FBI director Kash Patel testified to the Senate today in a hearing that almost immediately descended into discussions about bestiality.
asserted
that → testify → bestiality
Because that’s the world we live in now.
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we → ’ → ?
If you’re one of the fortunate souls who remains unfamiliar with Patel, let me fill you in: Trump’s FBI guy has, in the past, floated the idea that Jan. 6 was a Deep State setup, purged thousands of FBI workers after taking up the job, used polygraphs to test the loyalty of officials to the Trump administration, and overseen the detainment and deportation of thousands, the majority of whom have no criminal record.
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majority → ’re → record
He believes that no media can be trusted, and is currently suing The Atlantic for publishing a highly critical article about him.
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media → believe → him
Oh, and he removed the requirement for FBI recruits that they had never had sex with animals.
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they → remove → animals
As with most people connected to this hall-of-mirrors version of an administration, Patel is a mixture of scary, sarcastic and bizarre.
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Patel → connect → scary
He opened today with the usual MAGA stuff about how he’s changed the FBI to “let cops be cops” and how he’s been busy “capturing literally the worst of the worst.”
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he → open → worst
He listed off a few data points about child abusers and “gangbangers” who have been imprisoned under his watch.
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who → list → watch
And then the questioning began.
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questioning → begin → ?
You’ve removed the requirement for people joining the FBI not to have criminal convictions for stealing, soliciting sex, or engaging in bestiality, Democratic Sen. Dick Durbin of Ohio noted to Patel.
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Durbin → remove → Patel
Does that make your standards higher?
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standards → make → ?
(Patel had recently monologued about how historically high the FBI’s standards are now, because of changes like asking potential recruits to do a single pull-up.
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standards → monologue → up
“Our standards have never been higher,” Patel replied.
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Patel → reply → ?
Pushed on that, he added that he wouldn’t have wanted to exclude “victims of bestiality” from applying for FBI jobs.
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he → push → jobs
Which all sounds very woke and lovely, until you consider that the victims of bestiality are animals.
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victims → sound → bestiality
“You’ve turned that upside-down,” said Durbin, dismissively, as he wrapped up his time.
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he → turn → time
Another senator wasn’t going to let it go so easily — and this was, in fact, a Republican: Sen. John Neely Kennedy of Louisiana.
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this → go → Louisiana
Kennedy began by demanding that Patel “pull that mic closer to you,” before diving into why anyone would remove the three requirements for anyone applying to the FBI.
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anyone → begin → FBI
It’s to protect victims, Patel responded; to which Kennedy clarified, “So it’s not if you frequented a prostitute, it’s because you were a prostitute?”
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you → ’ → prostitute
Patel nodded.
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Patel → nod → ?
Kennedy paused, considered, seemed to find that reasonable, then leaned forward again and asked, slowly, “What about the bestiality?”
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that → pause → bestiality
This is where things began to descend again.
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things → begin → ?
Patel again said he was protecting victims, to which Kennedy asked the obvious question: “So you don’t disqualify the animal?”
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you → say → animal
At this point, Patel should probably have launched into some pre-prepared spiel about abuse, but instead he let out a nervous laugh and said, “We have great canines but we’re not going to disqualify animals.”
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we → launch → animals
Kennedy didn’t find this acceptable.
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this → find → ?
Do you realize, he asked Patel, that removing requirements like this makes everybody here look bad?
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everybody → realize → this
This has hurt the FBI, having people hear that they seemingly don’t think bestiality is a big deal.
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bestiality → hurt → FBI
With a perplexed look on his face, he finished with: “Why would you even get into bestiality?”
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you → finish → bestiality
Again, this is where Patel probably should have had a spiel prepared, or perhaps even have taken a breath.
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spiel → have → breath
But instead he immediately retorted: “We are not into bestiality.”
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We → retort → bestiality
Which just isn’t a sentence you should ever have to say in politics.
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you → have → politics
“I know you’re not,” said Kennedy, “but you changed the qualifications and you brought in bestiality.”
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you → know → bestiality
Patel responded that someone might have “involuntarily” got involved with animals.
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someone → respond → animals
Kennedy, remaining perplexed, asked, “How do you involuntarily do it?”
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you → remain → it
Patel finally clicked into gear here, and described how a recruiting officer had supposedly told him it can happen that a person who has been trafficked can be forced to do all manner of sexual acts on camera as part of their abuse, including with animals.
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who → click → animals
It’s a fair, if extremely niche, point.
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It → ’ → ?
One cannot imagine that it’s a problem they come up against regularly in FBI recruitment, and also one can imagine that in the right circumstances it could probably be dealt with.
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it → imagine → circumstances
When people came to you with a list of things to remove, Kennedy pressed, “and you saw bestiality — I say this with respect — to the person who recommended it, why didn’t you say: What planet did you parachute in from?”
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you → come → planet
Patel, who can’t even stick by his own absurd metrics and clearly was at this point worried he was going to start being known in public as ‘The Bestiality Guy,’ then quickly claimed, “That was my initial response, Senator!”
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That → stick → Guy
Needless to say, this continued, and it was never entirely resolved.
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it → say → ?
…and 50 more, not listed.
The Aporia
