After more than 50 years of opposing Britain’s membership of the EU, I’m beginning to warm to the idea of Andy Burnham’s reset.
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I → oppose → reset
In 1975, aged 21, I voted ‘No’ in Harold Wilson’s referendum on remaining in what was then called the Common Market.
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what → age → referendum
In 1992, as a presenter on LBC radio, I was vociferous in attacking John Major’s determination to sign the Maastricht Treaty, which created the European Union.
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which → attack → Union
Ten years later, when I had a nightly show on Sky News, I was about the only TV host to give Nigel Farage houseroom.
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I → have → houseroom
In European elections I always voted Ukip.
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I → vote → Ukip
And in 2016, I threw my full weight behind the Leave campaign.
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I → throw → campaign
But now, I’m not so sure.
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I → ’m → ?
What could have caused me to have a change of heart?
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me → cause → heart
What could possibly be worth surrendering our hard-won sovereignty and subjecting ourselves to rule by unelected bureaucrats in Brussels and foreign judges sitting in the European court?
uncertain
What → surrender → court
I’d exempt salt’n’vinegar and cheese’n’onion, but every other flavour of crisp is an abomination, writes Richard Littlejohn
Simple.
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Littlejohn → exempt → crisp
The EU is proposing a blanket ban on smoky bacon crisps, Pot Noodles and individual sachets of ketchup and mayonnaise.
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EU → propose → ketchup
From 2030, food manufacturers will not be allowed to market anything described as chicken, bacon, steak, pork or prawn – none of which contain anything resembling chicken, bacon, steak, pork or prawn.
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none → allow → chicken
I’d exempt salt’n’vinegar and cheese’n’onion, but every other flavour of crisp is an abomination.
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flavour → exempt → crisp
You know how peanuts are banned on aircraft because some people might have a potentially fatal allergic reaction?
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people → know → reaction
That’s me in a pub whenever anyone opens a packet of smoky bacon crisps or pork scratchings.
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That → ’ → crisps
I’d rather smoking was still allowed in boozers.
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smoking → allow → boozers
They’ve also got something called Bombay Bad Boy.
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They → get → something
How bone idle do you have to be to dine on rehydrated mush out of a plastic tub, the preparation of which demands nothing more than boiling a kettle?
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preparation → have → kettle
We’re not talking Delia Smith here.
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We → talk → Smith
They are especially popular with those who insist on dining al desko and stinking out the entire office.
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who → insist → office
I’ve even seen people eating them on the London Underground, polluting the Piccadilly Line.
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people → see → Line
It should be a hanging offence.
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It → hang → ?
A Europe-wide ban, including Britain, can’t come soon enough.
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ban → include → Britain
The clincher for me, though, is the proposed prohibition of individual sachets of ketchup and mayonnaise.
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clincher → propose → ketchup
Have you ever tried opening one?
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you → try → one
It’s virtually impossible with your fingers.
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It → ’ → fingers
You usually end up trying to rip them apart with your teeth, which nine times out of ten ends up with tomato ketchup, brown sauce or mayo all down the front of your shirt.
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You → end → shirt
I can never peel the top off them, either.
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I → peel → them
I end up popping them open and the contents go everywhere but in the cup.
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contents → end → cup
Frankly, I’d ban individual portions of just about everything, apart from those elegant miniature glass jars of jam you used to get in railway dining cars and which are still available in the better class of hotel.
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which → ban → hotel
The EU is proposing a blanket ban on smoky bacon crisps, Pot Noodles and the absolute nightmare that is individual sachets of ketchup and mayonnaise
But anything which comes in plastic or foil should be illegal.
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which → propose → plastic
My pet hate is individual portions of butter, which are either frozen so hard you can’t spread them or so soft they melt in your hand.
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they → freeze → hand
I’m reminded of that classic episode of Minder, Willesden Suite, in which Arthur manages to flog a consignment of surplus British Rail Travellers Fare butter and jam – ‘confiture’ – to a hotel for a Rotary Club lunch.
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Arthur → remind → lunch
His supplier, Pongo Harris – a walking health hazard played by the late William Simons – advises Arthur to get it off the van sharpish because the butter’s been over the axle and is starting to go a bit rancid.
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butter → walk → axle
That’s exactly how I’d describe smoky bacon, prawn cocktail and chicken tikka masala flavour crisps.
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I → ’ → bacon
And if it takes rejoining the EU to bring in a blanket ban on them, that’s a small price to pay.
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that → take → them
The Aporia
