Let’s call “Ebenezer: A Christmas Carol” what it really is: “Johnny Depp: A Comeback.”
asserted
it → let → Ebenezer
That’s the only reason to go see it.
asserted
That → ’ → it
After ex Amber Heard’s abuse allegations and the ensuing Cirque du So Embarrassing that was their defamation trial, he made just two small movies (one was in French).
asserted
one → ensue → French
And so, given the circumstances, it’s quite fitting that the first image of Depp that most fans will have seen on a cinema screen since 2018 is him grizzled, old, kooky and embittered.
asserted
fans → give → 2018
It’s practically realism.
asserted
It → ’ → ?
There really was no doubt in my mind that the actor would be solid as Ebenezer Scrooge, Charles Dickens’ redeemed crank who’s been a staple of Christmases for more than a century.
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who → redeem → century
And he’s never shied away from oversized and eccentric roles.
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he → shy → roles
His initial performance answers the age-old question: What if Capt. Jack Sparrow lost all his sex appeal and became a mean, greedy shut-in?
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Sparrow → answer → appeal
But as Scrooge encounters the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future, Depp and Ebenezer both relax, and the classic story hits its requisite emotional beats.
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story → encounter → beats
What’s rather less successful is the mediocre movie wheezing and fumbling around him.
asserted
’s → ’ → him
“Ebenezer” is definitely not entering any family’s holiday traditions.
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Ebenezer → enter → traditions
It’s no Mr. Magoo.
asserted
It → ’ → ?
That updated title suggests that the tale has been somehow refashioned to be more about Scrooge, like “Cruella” or “Maleficent.”
uncertain
tale → update → Cruella
He’s in every scene, he’s taught a lesson, he even gets a catchphrase.
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he → ’ → catchphrase
Lest we forget that “Scrooged,” starring Bill Murray, was a pun and the flick was set in modern times
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flick → forget → times
Naming this routine Victorian-Era adaptation “Ebenezer” is little more than a particularly lazy attempt to differentiate the Depp movie from the myriad other versions, like when a friend bleaches their hair on vacation.
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friend → name → vacation
But that meaningless moniker plus the involvement of director Ti West of the “X” horror trilogy imply that we’re getting something fresh, exciting and edgy.
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we → imply → something
There are a couple of half-hearted jump-scares and an unexplained pack of zombie-like ghouls that chase after Scrooge — kissing cousins to those holograms of Disney’s “Haunted Mansion.”
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that → be → Mansion
One wrongheaded way of sustaining the dreary mood is that West makes “Severance” actor Tramell Tillman’s Ghost of Christmas Present less jolly and fun.
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Ghost → sustain → Present
Instead he’s a rude, unsmiling bar fly.
asserted
he → ’ → ?
Doesn’t that go against the whole point of the “live, laugh, love” message he’s supposed to convey?
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he → go → message
The non-paranormal folk that Scrooge meets are fab to fine.
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Scrooge → meet → that
One addition to the plot is getting to see Ian McKellen’s Jacob Marley in human form for a minute on the day he dies.
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he → get → day
McKellen’s predictably wonderful and full of panache.
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McKellen → ’ → panache
I wish his scenes were longer.
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scenes → wish → ?
Heck, I wish this was “Marley”!
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this → wish → ?
And Rupert Grint makes for a sweet and demure Bob Cratchit, bleary eyed from staying up late fixing Tiny Tim’s crutch.
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Grint → make → crutch
Again, how exactly did the director of “Pearl” land this job?
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director → land → job
As early as the first visitation, there is a feeling of defeat when we realize we’ve been hoodwinked into sitting through another basic “Christmas Carol” — and an especially indecisive one.
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we → be → Carol
It’s not horror, it’s not festive, it’s not a lushly designed London winter.
asserted
it → ’ → ?
All this movie is is an opportunity to hear Depp yell, “Bah humbug!” — a phrase that, unsurprisingly, comes quite naturally to him.
asserted
that → hear → him
The Aporia
