This is our news roundup, told with an extremely niche bias.
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This → tell → bias
Today the great Chelsea Jacobson deserves a byline because she did most of the work, but alas there’s no room for two names.
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she → deserve → names
Two pieces of housekeeping:
First off, if you haven’t already, check out Suzy Weiss’s pop culture podcast Second Thought, co-hosted by the hilarious Dan Ahdoot.
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you → check → Ahdoot
One time they called George Santos.
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they → call → Santos
This week, they go over the latest Sydney Sweeney controversy and try a $60 loaf of bread.
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they → go → bread
Of course I condone none of this, and have yet to listen to a podcast in my life because I respect myself, but some people would probably enjoy it.
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people → condone → it
And if you’re in need of wisdom, our resident advice columnist Abigail Shrier is here to help with her column Tough Love.
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columnist → ’re → column
They won’t let me write an advice column over liability concerns, but Abigail has been given free rein.
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Abigail → let → rein
But be warned, we don’t call it Tough Love for nothing.
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we → warn → nothing
Mitch McConnell’s handlers need to be arrested: They are doing elder abuse.
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They → need → abuse
Arrest her too, for letting him get wheeled around like that in front of their townhouse.
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him → arrest → townhouse
In case you missed it, Mitch McConnell, 84, made his return to the Senate after three months of recovery from a health incident.
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McConnell → miss → incident
Now wheelchair-bound, he just looks extremely frail and out of it.
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he → bind → it
I won’t add a picture because it feels mean, but also, he’s not a vulnerable little kitten— he’s a U.S. senator, so I should be allowed to be harsh!
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I → add → picture
Our elected officials are all about to shuffle off their mortal coils, so anytime you criticize them it’s like oh my god, how can I bring up politics with this poor, dying man.
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I → elect → man
It’s a trap!
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It → ’ → ?
Because really, he doesn’t need my snark; he needs to be wrapped in a warm shawl.
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he → need → shawl
And I need to be able to pick on someone my own age.
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I → need → someone
In the same way Dianne Feinstein was dragged around till the end, it’s not right.
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it → drag → end
It’s degrading.
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It → ’ → ?
Don’t get me started on the idea that Biden could serve as president for another four years.
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Biden → get → years
Let him watch his shows and eat dinner at five p.m., he has earned it and so have we.
→
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we → let → it
We’re really doing South America colonialism again: A few days after then–Homeland Security secretary Kristi Noem met with Ecuadorean president Daniel Noboa, a prominent Noboa critic was deported back to Ecuador to be imprisoned.
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critic → do → Ecuador
It was a reversal of the earlier ruling that he could stay, and it was fast-tracked.
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it → stay → ruling
I’m sure it was just a coincidence?
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it → ’m → ?
Noboa posted pictures of the deportation and wrote: “We said it, we did it.”
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we → post → it
You meet with a Trump official, you give them a list of enemies—and I’m sure some cash—and they handle the rest.
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they → meet → rest
It’s like how Venezuela is a new vassal state of ours.
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Venezuela → ’ → ours
One interesting thing: Marco Rubio is bringing back old-fashioned colonialism.
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Rubio → bring → colonialism
Soon Kristi and Marco will be striking deals for cinnamon and saffron and collecting levies from Argentina for defense spending.
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Kristi → strike → spending
Ed Sheeran decided to have Macklemore as his tour opening act, and the rapper took the stage to give a “Free Palestine” speech, like he was kicking off a course at Columbia or something.
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he → decide → Columbia
In the long debate about whether anti-Zionism is antisemitism, Macklemore leaves little doubt, in that he once performed wearing a fake beard and an oversized prosthetic nose in what was widely seen as a Jewish caricature.
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what → leave → caricature
Anyway, New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft then pressured Ed Sheeran’s promoters to drop Macklemore, and Macklemore was dropped.
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Macklemore → pressure → Macklemore
You can imagine what happened next.
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what → imagine → ?
Macklemore has become even more of a hero, gaining hundreds of thousands of followers, bringing more attention to the cause.
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Macklemore → become → cause
All of Ed Sheeran’s other opening acts backed out of the tour, as did his own backing band.
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band → back → tour
For a sense of the public tone, comedian Mike Recine posted: “Robert Kraft is a pedophile and someone should kill him.”
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someone → post → him
So it’s all going really well, temperature’s nice and low out here.
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temperature → go → ?
Recine deleted his initial, um, joke? and posted: “Hey everyone I’d like to apologize for the post I made last night when I said ’Children deserve to have legs.’
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Children → delete → legs
I didn’t realize that statement was offensive to the Jewish community and I will choose my words better moving forward.”
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I → realize → words
…and 2 more, not listed.
The Aporia
