I’m lying in plush white bedding under a four-poster treetrunk bed, watching my three children giggling in a patchwork of green wheat fields outside our canvas dome tent, the distant sea framing it all in the background.
asserted
sea → lie → background
It’s a far cry from the steamy London we’ve left behind — we’re on the Isle of Wight, only a half-hour ferry from mainland England.
asserted
we → ’ → England
Driving off the ferry, we discover the island has two immediate things in its favour: a cooler climate (we left London in 30C, and here found a more pleasant temperature of 25C), and a feeling of going back in time.
asserted
we → drive → time
Our family of five was seeking out some kind of digital detox.
asserted
family → seek → detox
As a freelancer, my phone is rarely free from my clawed grasp as I chase deadlines — and the Xbox needs a holiday too, back at home.
asserted
Xbox → chase → home
Will a break on the Isle of Wight, with its old-fashioned vibes, help us embrace Famous Five mode?
asserted
us → help → mode
We picked Tapnell Farm’s Dome Meadow for just that reason — thinking this was to be our first family camping experience.
asserted
this → pick → reason
But as we unlocked our glass door, I swiftly had to admit this wasn’t even glamping.
asserted
this → unlock → glamping
Our 6.5-metre wide dome included the lush four-poster, a bunk bed and double sofa bed for the kids, a proper bathroom with a seriously-pressured shower… and when I opened a kitchen cupboard and discovered a dishwasher — well, no, I couldn’t say we were roughing it under canvas.
asserted
we → include → canvas
But we did find a rural escape where the kids ran free and we all relaxed.
asserted
we → find → escape
As we unlocked our glass door, I swiftly had to admit this wasn’t even glamping
The pace is slower here: drivers politely pull in and wait; on our WightLink ferry over, the staff were so friendly that my London-bred kids asked why everyone was smiling.
asserted
everyone → unlock → ferry
Then, once we’d checked in to the farm, the kids went feral in an outdoorsy way: gathering eggs in the morning, grabbing a ball from the bucket of footballs for impromptu kickabouts with strangers, playing the free hoopla and beanbag-toss games dotted around the site.
asserted
kids → check → site
The only irritation was the lack of a farm shop: hunching over our phones to Deliveroo a Sainsbury’s shop wasn’t the ideal holiday-starter.
asserted
hunching → hunch → shop
Tapnell’s accommodation stretches from basic pods to five of our glamorous domes, plus well-appointed cottages, but all come with open access to its farm, which is about 30 per cent animals and 70 per cent kids’ activities.
asserted
which → stretch → farm
Mine were sprinting between feeding guinea pigs with mini fishing rods and patting wallabies before go-karting, zip-lining, scaling hay bales and playing football golf.
asserted
Mine → sprint → golf
We all loved the farm’s Aqua Park — slides and obstacle courses on top of a green-watered lake.
asserted
We → love → lake
Overall, we found a higher tolerance for risk than we’re used to in London: fewer rules and more of a wave of the arm and an order to “have fun”.
asserted
we → find → fun
When it came to eating, we found much of the island’s food game to be London-level — just without the traffic and snobbiness.
asserted
much → come → traffic
At Braai, a huge open cattle shed with a fire-roaring open kitchen on the ancient Nunwell Estate farm, we shared blackened whole chicken, seabass, grilled peaches, flatbreads, charred cabbage and pillowy brisket.
asserted
we → roar → chicken
The long wait for food didn’t matter, the kids ran wild in the adjacent field.
asserted
kids → matter → field
Before we chomped on our crisp, homemade hash browns glistening with wild mushroom and truffle, piquant beef with zesty lime guacamole, and salt-and-pepper chicken, the children escaped to the lawn, which had been set up with sports-day games pitting young against old.
asserted
which → chomp → old
Enid Blyton’s days didn’t feel far away.
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days → feel → ?
We went free range at the beaches too.
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We → go → beaches
At Robin Hill, an old-fashioned amusement park that’s the opposite of Merlin Entertainment’s fiscal-squeezing, everything was included in the entry price — mini golf, boat rides, playgrounds, falcon shows — except the toboggan run, a veteran ride so good we happily paid the £2 entry fee for it twice.
asserted
we → ’ → it
On our final day we decamped to Blackgang Chine, which opened in 1843 and claims the title of the UK’s oldest theme park.
uncertain
which → decamp → park
The kids didn’t ask for a screen once.
asserted
kids → ask → screen
Just one issue — the stunning sunsets and beaming smiles called for my camera, which was on my phone, of course.
asserted
which → call → course
Still, we’ll print off analogue memories of a brilliantly offline holiday.
asserted
we → print → holiday
A Dome Meadow stay at Tapnell Farm starts from £297 per night
asserted
stay → start → night
The Aporia
