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Dear Vanessa,
My son is 29 and has a good full-time job, but I've realised I'm still paying for quite a lot of his life.
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I → publish → life
Some of it has just slid on over the years.
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Some → slide → years
I run my own business and his phone and internet have always been on the business accounts, so I've never really thought about it.
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I → run → it
I also still pay his health insurance and a couple of subscriptions.
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I → pay → subscriptions
None of these things on their own are huge, but when I recently added them up I thought, why am I still paying for all this when he's 29 and earning good money?
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he → add → money
I usually pay for him to come because, if I'm completely truthful, I'm not sure he would come if he had to pay for himself.
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he → pay → himself
Having all my children together means a lot to me, so I keep doing it.
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I → have → it
His brother and sister pay their own way and they've started making comments about why I keep paying for him.
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I → pay → him
I can understand why it annoys them.
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it → understand → them
I've tried raising money with him before and he gets defensive.
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he → try → him
His attitude is basically that I can afford it, so what's the problem?
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problem → afford → it
I know I've allowed this to happen.
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this → know → ?
I've never actually sat him down and said, you're an adult now and these expenses are yours.
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expenses → sit → him
Money educator Vanessa Stoykov (pictured) helps a woman who is still paying her 29-year-old son's bills
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who → picture → bills
But I'm getting older and I'm starting to wonder when enough is enough.
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enough → get → ?
How do you financially cut off an adult child after years of paying for things without them turning on you or causing a huge falling-out?
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them → cut → out
And I hate admitting this, but I'm also worried that if I stop paying for things - particularly the holidays - I might see less of him.
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I → admit → him
Rachel
Vanessa response:
Rachel, I don't think the phone bill is what you're really frightened of losing.
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you → think → ?
You're frightened of losing your son.
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You → lose → son
And that makes this much harder than simply cancelling a few direct debits.
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this → make → debits
I don't think you've done anything terrible by letting it slide.
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it → think → anything
You've been helping your son because you love him and, until now, you haven't had a strong enough reason to change things.
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you → help → things
'His brother and sister pay their own way and they've started making comments about why I keep paying for him.
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I → pay → him
I can understand why it annoys them,' the woman writes.
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woman → understand → them
But now you do.
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you → do → ?
Your other children are noticing.
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children → notice → ?
You're questioning it yourself.
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You → question → it
And most importantly, you're starting to realise that part of the reason you continue paying isn't generosity.
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you → start → reason
That's the bit I would pay attention to.
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I → pay → attention
Are you paying because you want to, or because you're scared not to?
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you → pay → ?
There is nothing wrong with spending money on adult children if you can afford it and genuinely want to.
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you → be → it
You can take your whole family on holiday.
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You → take → holiday
You can shout everyone dinner.
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You → shout → dinner
You can give your children money.
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You → give → money
But there's an important difference between saying, 'I'd love to take my children away and I'm happy to pay,' and thinking, 'If I don't pay for my son, he won't come.'
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he → be → son
The other starts to feel like a price you're paying for the relationship.
And no parent should have to keep paying a 29-year-old's bills because they're frightened he'll withdraw his company if they stop.
Don't make it a fight
I wouldn't suddenly cancel everything and wait for him to discover his phone has been cut off.
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phone → start → everything
I'd have one calm conversation.
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I → have → conversation
Tell him that you've realised a number of his expenses are still sitting on your accounts simply because that's how things have always been.
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things → tell → accounts
He's working and independent now, so you're going to start transferring them across to him.
Give him a reasonable date.
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you → work → date
You don't need a long explanation about retirement, fairness or how much you've already spent on him.
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you → need → him
…and 21 more, not listed.
The Aporia
