After three IVF cycles, Susanne and Mike Armour made the difficult decision to stop trying for a baby.
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Armour → make → baby
While childlessness wasn't something they planned for, the pair, based in Sydney, say their unwavering love for one another meant the future as a family of two was still one to look forward to.
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future → plan → two
We met on the first day of acupuncture school in 2005 in New Zealand.
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We → meet → Zealand
I just assumed that I would have kids, like it was part of growing up — we would get married, have a family.
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we → assume → family
Having children wasn't necessarily high on my list, but once Mike and I were engaged, that was the kind of thing you start talking about.
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you → have → thing
"Oh yeah, maybe it would be nice to have a child or two."
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it → have → child
Once you start to think about that as a woman, it's a thought that is quite difficult to turn off.
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that → start → woman
We started seriously trying for a baby in 2009 with me doing the whole shebang of acupuncture, herbs, temperature checking, et cetera.
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me → start → acupuncture
I have always had painful periods, but in 2008 I started to have pain outside my period.
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I → have → period
I eventually had an exploratory laparoscopy, which found nothing apart from some ''scar tissue' and we ended up doing three cycles of IVF.
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we → have → IVF
The second and third were discontinued as I did not respond to the medications.
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I → discontinue → medications
Thinking back, going through IVF was one of the most traumatic experiences I've ever had.
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I → think → experiences
I just felt like a number.
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I → feel → number
I ended up with overwhelming grief, anxiety, feelings of loss of control.
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I → end → control
We were obviously in a position where Sus is a midwife and I had a medical background.
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I → have → background
We had good health literacy, good health contacts.
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We → have → literacy
And we still just felt incredibly unsupported.
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we → feel → ?
The thing that really struck me was just how little support or care there was for me.
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that → strike → me
I wanted to be there to support Sus, but I didn't feel like there was anyone there to support me.
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I → want → me
I don't remember anyone asking me about my feelings or experience at the time, and only one wonderful friend asked me afterwards.
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friend → remember → me
We would not leave each other
Mike: We were having our third cycle of IVF and the nurse came in and she started crying.
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she → leave → IVF
She said something like: "I'm afraid there is nothing more we can do."
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we → say → something
When she left, I remember Sus saying she'd had enough, she didn't want to go through any more, and we'd put our lives on hold, which was very true.
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which → leave → hold
And that she didn't have anything left
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she → have → anything
And I just thought, "Well, she's the one who is going through all of this, the drugs and investigations."
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who → think → this
I thought, "That seems fair to me, I understand."
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I → think → me
I was just done.
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I → do → ?
I just had nothing left at the end.
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I → have → end
I felt so traumatised and I just wanted to put it all behind me really.
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I → feel → me
We had no friends who would understand what we were both going through.
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we → have → what
We pretty much just had us.
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We → have → us
We saw several friend relationships break apart from fertility struggles and that was something we regularly talked about.
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we → see → struggles
We started the journey together and whatever the outcome, we would not leave each other.
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we → start → other
I remember saying how good we were as a couple.
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we → remember → couple
Having a baby would have been an add-on but us together as the two of us, as a family unit, we were perfect.
Mike:
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we → have → unit
I just remember thinking I had two choices.
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I → remember → choices
Either stay with Sus and we don't have children, or if I want children, then it has to be with someone else.
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it → stay → someone
And it was a no-brainer; I would much rather stay with Sus and just be the two of us.
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I → stay → us
Helping others has been healing
Susanne:
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Helping → help → others
Eventually, after we moved to Australia, I had a hysterectomy, which showed extensive endometriosis and adenomyosis.
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which → move → endometriosis
…and 17 more, not listed.
The Aporia