Recently, I spoke at the inaugural Readings Romance Festival in Melbourne, which sold out in 48 hours.
asserted
which → speak → hours
One of my favourite Australian romance writers, Anita Heiss, opened by talking about why she writes about love.
asserted
she → open → love
Authors and readers talked about sex, relationships and, on my panel, the “meet-cute”: the moment when two future lovers collide.
asserted
lovers → talk → panel
Earlier this year, I spoke at Brisbane’s Blussh Romance Festival and saw the same thing: hundreds of women discussing exactly what they want from the people they date, and almost no men there to hear it.
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they → speak → it
It’s not that straight men don’t want to know what women want.
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women → ’ → what
I think they really do.
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they → think → ?
They’re spending hours looking for answers in dating podcasts, watching YouTube videos promising to explain women and in the corners of the manosphere that don’t seem to like us very much.
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that → spend → us
I distinctly remember learning at school that when a boy insulted me, he might actually be “negging” me, a pickup technique popularised by Neil Strauss’ 2005 book The Game.
uncertain
he → remember → book
Now we have “sexual market value”, “high-value men” and endless theories about “female nature”.
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we → have → nature
All new ways of delivering the same old message: if you want to understand women, ask another man.
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you → deliver → man
As a romance writer, this drives me mad.
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this → drive → me
Women have spent decades writing whole novels about what we think and want, yet some men would still rather hear another man explain it into a microphone.
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man → spend → microphone
For some reason, those voices are taken seriously while romance, a literal peek inside a woman’s mind, is dismissed as “fluff”.
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romance → take → fluff
But men who dismiss romance fiction – or have simply never thought it was written for them – miss out on more than dating advice.
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it → dismiss → advice
I recently read that fiction strengthens the social skills we use to connect with others.
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we → read → others
And I can’t think of another genre more interested in human connection.
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I → think → connection
Romance, in my opinion, gives us one of the most nuanced explorations of desire, power, vulnerability and what it means to be truly known by another person.
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it → give → person
And romance takes happiness seriously too.
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romance → take → happiness
The lovers might be hockey players or enemies forced to share a bed or even a woman and the blue alien who abducted her (there really is a subgenre for everyone), but every romance must, under all circumstances, promise a happy ending.
uncertain
romance → force → ending
It’s one of the genre’s few defining rules and what separates a romance from a love story.
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what → ’ → story
So, when you read romance, the question isn’t whether happiness is possible, but what the characters will have to learn or risk to achieve it.
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characters → read → it
If more men read romance, I’d argue they’d become more hopeful about love itself.
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they → read → love
So, what do I think men will find inside a romance novel?
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men → think → novel
Probably not what they expect.
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they → expect → what
Sure, the genre has plenty of handsome, rich and excellently forearmed men.
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genre → have → men
But writing romances has taught me that being hot isn’t enough.
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being → write → me
We’re always asking: has he made himself vulnerable? Is he kind? Does he actually make her life better … or is he just tall?
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he → ask → ?
Those are the moments our readers always remember: when he asks what she wants, listens and acts accordingly.
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she → remember → what
(The same approach also makes for excellent sex scenes, according to our DMs.)
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approach → make → DMs
Romance hasn’t always got this right.
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this → get → ?
In the 1972 bestseller The Flame and the Flower, the protagonist falls in love with her rapist.
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protagonist → fall → rapist
I grew up when Twilight’s Edward Cullen sabotaging Bella’s truck to control where she went was considered just another reason to be Team Edward.
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she → grow → truck
Thankfully, romance has come a long way, and today’s best books show there’s nothing sexier than enthusiastic consent and respect.
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books → come → consent
Even my favourite trope, enemies-to-lovers, only works when both characters have agency.
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characters → work → agency
Of course, women aren’t a monolith, and one Emily Henry novel won’t explain us.
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novel → explain → us
That’s exactly why I think men should read more romance novels.
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men → ’ → novels
They give you hundreds of pages with women who want completely different things.
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who → give → things
Read enough and you realise there is no single woman to figure out, there are just women, plural.
So, men, here’s my advice: put down the dating podcast and enter the romance section without fear.
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advice → read → fear
Read romantic comedies, historical romance, sports romance, romantasy, queer romance and love stories by people whose lives look nothing like yours.
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lives → read → yours
You won’t finish one book knowing what women want.
asserted
women → finish → what
…and 5 more, not listed.
The Aporia
