It’s ‘back-to’ season and, after the summer lull, work events and conferences are in full flow once more.
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events → ’ → flow
But if you think these are just stuffy brainstorming sessions, think again.
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these → think → ?
For 27 years I’ve been an events manager for big corporate clients, and it’s fair to say that many of the things I’ve witnessed won’t be featuring in the official end of year report...
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I → ’ → report
One of the first events I ran, back in the early noughties, was for a corporate company that requested ‘something fun’ for staff and clients.
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that → run → staff
They didn’t want a formal summer party, so instead we worked with a farmer in Hampshire and put on a festival-themed event.
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we → want → event
We booked live music, bars and food carts, and encouraged camping and dressing up.
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We → book → camping
There were more than 500 guests, and the company splashed out about £75,000 for this extravaganza.
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company → be → extravaganza
But we hadn’t reckoned on the attendees behaving as if it was actually a festival and bringing in class A drugs.
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it → reckon → drugs
Some people were even climbing into their cars and attempting to drive around the field, crashing into other people’s vehicles.
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people → climb → vehicles
There’s just as much sex, drugs and bad behaviour at work ‘off-site events’ as there is in the rock ’n’ roll industry, according to an experienced events manager for big corporate clients
It was a nightmare.
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It → ’ → clients
Health and safety had gone out of the window and nobody was listening to us.
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nobody → go → us
I was convinced somebody would ring the police and we’d all be arrested.
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we → convince → police
The only thing which staved off a panic attack was the security company we’d hired as an afterthought (thank God).
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we → stave → God
They stepped in, wrangled the idiots back to their tents and made sure their car keys were removed.
The farmer was very unhappy about the state of his field, though.
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farmer → step → field
I was only 28, and I wasn’t experienced enough to cope easily with disaster.
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I → cope → disaster
Now I know that the key is to basically plan for carnage and work backwards.
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key → know → carnage
People often assume that being an event manager means as much champagne as you can stomach, showers of freebies and presiding over Great Gatsby-style parties.
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you → assume → parties
People see the fun, the music, and the trays of drinks and delicious food, but for those on the planning side, every event is exhausting and we need to be on constant alert in case things go wrong.
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things → see → alert
I never drink while I’m working, and neither do any of my colleagues.
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any → drink → colleagues
Even when things run smoothly, it’s rare that a drunk guest doesn’t try to steal something.
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guest → run → something
I’ve stopped people trying to sneak out with everything from bottles of Moet to huge, hand-made table-pieces full of feathers.
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people → stop → feathers
Female guests often wander off carrying vases of flowers.
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guests → wander → flowers
The events manager said professionals with well-paid jobs turn into hooligans after they've had a few drinks
I remember one arguing: ‘Nobody wants them – it’s over!’
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it → say → them
When I explained that her company had already arranged a van to deliver the flowers to a local hospice the next day, she showed no remorse but simply put down the flowers and stomped off.
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she → explain → flowers
I’ve seen people staggering away with enormous model props, including a life-size cutout of a footballer, taking down posters and even handing out expensive bottles of wine from a crate that had been placed behind a curtain.
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that → see → curtain
These are professionals with well-paid jobs, but it’s as though after a few drinks they turn into hooligans.
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they → pay → hooligans
I’ve never called the police, but I’ve occasionally been tempted.
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I → call → police
Admittedly, genuinely criminal behaviour is rare, but people tend to behave very badly in other ways when they’re away at a conference or overnight event.
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they → tend → conference
It’s as though access to alcohol and being off-duty with colleagues gives them a free pass to act in ways they never would dream of at home.
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they → ’ → home
I once watched a successful fiftysomething CEO give a warm speech about how he couldn’t have done it without his incredible wife.
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he → watch → wife
About an hour later he disappeared to his suite hand-in-hand with a 32-year-old from marketing.
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he → disappear → marketing
In fact, bed-hopping happens all the time.
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hopping → happen → fact
A friend who runs her own events firm, working in the blue-chip corporate sector, told me about a conference she’d organised in Paris at a very posh hotel.
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she → run → hotel
On day two, during the keynote speech, a worried junior urgently called her to the loos, where she’d heard moaning and banging coming from a cubicle.
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she → call → cubicle
She was worried that somebody was having a heart attack.
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somebody → have → attack
Overnight conferences are usually a case of ‘what happens on tour stays on tour’ - even with smaller events
My friend whacked on the door and shouted: ‘What’s going on?’
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What → happen → door
There was a silence, and then not two but three attendees – the handsome Parisian product developer and two women, who she could only presume were his colleagues – all filed out, adjusting their clothes and giggling.
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all → be → clothes
It’s usually a case of ‘what happens on tour stays on tour’.
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happens → ’ → tour
A few years ago we organised a team-building weekend for 12 trainee managers in the Lake District.
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we → organise → District
They’d been working hard for months, and they saw it as a chance to let their hair down.
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they → work → hair
…and 16 more, not listed.
The Aporia
