When Kerri Westwood's teenage daughter Lauren became unwell during an overseas school trip, the family assumed it was a virus she picked up while travelling.
asserted
she → become → trip
Kerri says the 15-year-old saw a doctor and felt "better" so continued on her trip.
asserted
old → say → trip
But when she got home, her condition worsened.
asserted
condition → get → ?
"She'd had a bit of tingling in her fingers, she was just sleeping all the time," says Kerri, from Mount Duneed in Victoria.
asserted
Kerri → have → Victoria
"We took her to hospital, and they wanted to do an MRI, that was when they discovered a tumour."
asserted
they → take → tumour
Kerri says the family was "blindsided" by a glioblastoma brain cancer diagnosis.
asserted
family → say → diagnosis
"Doctors told us, 'Don't Google it,'" says the 52-year-old.
"
asserted
old → tell → it
They gave her three to five years to live.
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They → give → years
"How do you tell a 15-year-old that they're going straight into palliative care?"
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they → tell → care
Lauren died in July 2020, 21 months after her diagnosis.
asserted
Lauren → die → diagnosis
"She was a beautiful, bright light who left this world far too soon," Kerri says.
"
asserted
Kerri → leave → world
That grief isn't something that you get over, we have to learn to live with it for the rest of our lives.
asserted
we → get → lives
"
Losing the sense of natural order
The death of a child at any age is a "profound loss" because it goes against what we think is natural, says Lauren Breen, a grief researcher and psychologist from Curtin University in Western Australia.
"So not only might we lose this very close relationship, but we've lost our understanding of how the world should be or that sense of natural justice," Professor Breen says.
uncertain
Breen → lose → justice
Kathy Packenas, from child bereavement support organisation Ladybird Care Foundation, says research shows that "bereaved parents are at increased risk of depression, anxiety, trauma-related distress and complex grief".
asserted
parents → say → depression
"The death of a child is often described as one of the most devastating experiences that parents can endure," she says.
"Something of this nature can affect every aspect of a person's life, their mental health, relationships, work, their sense of identity."
asserted
Something → describe → identity
Ms Packenas says every parent's relationship with their child is unique and so is their grief.
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grief → say → child
"We find some people want to talk really openly about their grief and others prefer quieter, more behind-the-scenes forms of support," she says.
"Some people reach out straight away after the death and some people reach out many years later; there's no timeline."
asserted
people → find → death
Leaning on others who understand
Kerri says over the past six years she has learnt that a lot of different feelings can co-exist.
asserted
lot → lean → feelings
"Sometimes it's sadness, sometimes it's anger, sometimes it's numbness," she says.
asserted
she → say → ?
"Then there's sometimes where you can laugh and have a good day, but then suddenly you feel guilty for being happy."
asserted
you → be → day
Kerri says she sought help from a counsellor but found that sharing her experience with other parents who had also lost a child has been healing.
asserted
who → say → child
For the past 18 months she has been a peer mentor for 57-year-old Tonya Shoobridge, from Brisbane/Meanjin, whose daughter Madeline died in 2024.
asserted
daughter → die → 2024
The pair were connected through the Ladybird Care Foundation.
asserted
pair → connect → Foundation
"Madi passed on April 1st, just before her 21st birthday," Tonya says.
asserted
Tonya → pass → 1st
Despite Madi having cerebral palsy, Tonya says her death was very unexpected and sudden.
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death → have → palsy
"It's the worst crisis to ever find yourself in; I was very confused and scared," she says.
asserted
she → find → yourself
She says anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas are among the hardest times to navigate, which is when she has leaned on Kerri for support.
asserted
she → say → support
"I just said to her, 'How the hell do you do this?
asserted
you → say → this
How do you get me through this?'"
asserted
you → get → this
"She said, 'It just sucks, it's awful'.
asserted
it → say → ?
"If you go to someone who has been there and knows what it feels like physically to lose a child, then that's where you're going to get the most help."
asserted
you → go → help
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Talking about her brings joy
Tonya says her journey with grief has focused on building resilience and looking for positives in every day.
asserted
journey → sign → day
"When you don't want to get out of bed and when you think you're never going to stop crying, you have to ask yourself, 'Is this helping me or is it hurting me?'" she says.
asserted
she → want → me
"You can answer that pretty easily, 'No, this is hurting.'
asserted
this → answer → that
"You can journal, you can write letters to your child and try to think of three good things that have happened that day or three beautiful memories that you have."
Professor Breen says connection to the child and others during the grief process is really important.
"
asserted
connection → journal → process
It's perfectly fine and normal to still talk to the child and share stories of them and keep photos of them and their possessions," she says.
asserted
she → talk → them
"[And] find the people who you do have that connection with and who can be supportive, that can be really helpful."
asserted
that → find → connection
Tonya has also asked family and friends to donate money to an all-abilities organisation Madi used to be a part of.
asserted
Madi → ask → organisation
"If you do something to honour your child, give to a charity, raise money, it makes you feel good inside," she says.
asserted
she → do → money
"And it answers that question for other people, 'How can I help you?'"
asserted
I → answer → you
…and 4 more, not listed.
The Aporia