My houseboat hell – why living on the canal isn’t for everyone
asserted
living → live → everyone
Admittedly I’d purchased the vessel without much thought to any of the implications of living on a boat, let alone what Ratty and pals got up to after sundown.
asserted
Ratty → purchase → sundown
It began, like many of the best adventures, one summer evening in a pub in Peckham, where a friend and I were musing about how idyllic life on the canal could be.
uncertain
life → begin → canal
As we drank more, we continued talking, and as we continued talking, we each took turns to persuade each other that it was a great idea.
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it → drink → other
After several more drinks, we went on Gumtree to begin looking at boats for sale, and found what can only be described as a large can with an outboard engine attached to it.
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what → go → it
Anyone in their right minds would think that a 70ft vessel cannot be steered with an engine of a speed boat — and they’d be right.
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they → think → boat
We messaged the seller and organised a viewing.
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We → message → viewing
Once we got to Enfield she gave us a "tour" of the boat, a straight procession through bedroom, living room, kitchen, bedroom and exit.
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she → get → bedroom
It could only be described as grim, an oxygen canister and stretcher in one room, ninja-style throwing stars in the living room, a sofa which was falling apart, and a loo — one of those camper van portable ones.
uncertain
which → describe → ones
We left the boat, disgusted.
asserted
We → leave → boat
Who in their right minds would want to live on a floating crack den?
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Who → want → den
It was too warm a day to not begin drinking again.
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It → begin → ?
We got to the pub and by the fifth pint we were both online looking at loans.
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we → get → loans
Both had our £12,000 share of the price approved within minutes.
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share → have → minutes
We were living on the boat within a week.
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We → live → week
I was paying £800 a month for a room in Dulwich, and now I was coughing up £400 a month towards a loan and after three years, I’d essentially be living rent-free.
But as with all novelties, they do wear off; our enthusiasm for the boat dwindling with the heat as we moved from summer to autumn.
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we → pay → autumn
By this point we had made it a bit more homely.
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it → make → point
A new sofa, a lick of paint, beds we had made ourselves.
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we → make → paint
The portable toilet still remained, though.
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toilet → remain → ?
But there are certain things that a lick of paint can’t cover — firstly the cold.
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lick → be → paint
We would sit in the living room for hours each night in the winter, face and lips dry as a bone, before retreating to our respective rooms at either end of the boat, to wake in the morning completely freezing, watching our breath hit the cold air.
asserted
breath → sit → air
Thankfully we made it through December and January, thinking we were in the clear, and it could only get warmer.
uncertain
it → make → clear
A safety inspector told us there were cracks in our chimney from the stove and that we needed to get it fixed pronto.
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it → tell → stove
We followed his advice spending hundreds knowing we’d be cold for a few weeks while they replaced the chimney, a process which involved removing a chunk of the roof so that they can solder it all together and transfer it back.
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they → follow → it
Until the chimney was returned we covered said hole with a bin bag,
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we → return → bag
Temperatures reached almost minus double figures, while the plucky bin bag miraculously held strong under a deluge of snow.
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bag → reach → snow
I slept in three jumpers, a sleeping bag and a duvet.
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I → sleep → jumpers
It was character building.
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It → build → ?
We survived, relieved as the shoots of spring began to emerge.
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shoots → survive → spring
But with spring comes breeding.
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breeding → come → spring
Coots had decided to make a nest in the tires on the side of the boat.
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Coots → decide → boat
It is illegal to disturb a birds nest, which meant we couldn’t move the boat.
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we → disturb → boat
With a finite supply of water and diminishing space in the toilet tank this would cause problems if it went on too long.
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it → diminish → problems
First the water ran out, so we were forced to lug five litre water bottles along the Walthamstow Marshes in a broken wheelbarrow.
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we → run → wheelbarrow
We made a rule: no showers until we moved.
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we → make → rule
This was fine on weekdays when you could shower at work, but going every weekend without a shower was pretty depressing.
uncertain
going → shower → shower
Often the first one you came to would be broken so you’d have to soldier on to the next.
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you → come → next
The other problem with having to keep your boat stationary while the coots have their babies is the other wildlife.
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coots → have → babies
They found a convenient entry hole in our battery box where the wires would travel through an inch-wide gap into the inside.
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wires → find → inside
I had no idea how big rats are until I saw the intruders up close — bigger than my forearm and that doesn’t even include the tail.
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that → have → tail
…and 18 more, not listed.
The Aporia
