Radiohead has announced its first Australian tour in 15 years, and the response from Radiohead-heads has been deafening.
asserted
response → announce → heads
They’re in your office, in your WhatsApp groups, in your home – middle-agers behaving with all the carry-on of Swifties but minus the sense of humour (tell me when the Radiohead forums come up with their version of Gaylor).
asserted
forums → ’re → Gaylor
You probably all heard their exclamations last week when tickets went on sale for the “lucky” bunch who beat the post-registration culling.
asserted
who → hear → culling
“Argh, I’m number 39,870 in the queue, wish me luck!”
asserted
I → ’m → luck
Bro, you’re 55 years old, show some composure.
asserted
you → ’re → composure
As a lifelong obnoxious contrarian, there’s no surer way to make me uninterested in something than millions of people telling me it’s the greatest thing.
asserted
it → ’ → me
In the words of Pee-wee (via The Get Up Kids): I’m a loner, Dottie, a rebel.
asserted
I → ’m → Kids
The downside is that sometimes I come around to things late, hopelessly out of touch, years after everyone’s moved on.
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everyone → come → touch
“Hey guys, did you know The Bear is actually great?
asserted
Bear → know → ?
I don’t think people know how great The Bear is…”
asserted
Bear → think → ?
But other times the topic in question is Radiohead, and I remain correct in perpetuity.
asserted
I → remain → perpetuity
I’ve tried to appreciate Radiohead, just because 30 years of critical discourse has told me I’m supposed to.
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I → try → me
Some of the early stuff’s fine.
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Some → ’ → stuff
For all it did to bring the evils of Coldplay, Snow Patrol and Keane to the world, at least The Bends had songs.
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Bends → do → songs
The way that riff repeats on Black Star?
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riff → repeat → Star
But revisiting the rest, just to write this piece, was a torture I wouldn’t wish on my nemesis (you know who you are).
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you → revisit → nemesis
I would rather listen to literally anything else.
asserted
I → listen → anything
I’ve spent 26 years trying to get through Kid A, and I still haven’t made it awake past Treefingers.
asserted
it → spend → Treefingers
As a sentient human being in the age of AI, I firmly believe that one should never miss an opportunity to yuck someone else’s yum – a sentiment that Radiohead, humanist believers, would surely get behind – so here we go.
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we → believe → that
Why does he do it like that?
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he → do → that
Because Thom Yorke boasts the absolute worst voice in music, and I mean worst in a bad way (unlike, say, Billy Corgan or Selena Gomez, who have worse voices but in a good way).
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who → boast → way
Yorke’s caterwauling whine is the nails on the chalkboard of my temporal lobe.
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whine → caterwaul → lobe
Jeff Buckley died for this?
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Buckley → die → this
He sings like his throat is in dire need of WD-40.
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throat → sing → WD-40
He sings like he’s a cat being squished into the bosom of a brutish toddler.
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he → sing → toddler
(The other problem with Radiohead fans is they’ll read this and go “Exactly!” and explain how the cat is “us” and the brutish toddler is “consumerism”.
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toddler → read → this
It must be fun to claim a band’s every horrible choice as intentional.)
uncertain
It → claim → choice
His fans call his lyrics “impressionistic”, I call them “barely there”.
asserted
I → call → them
For a guy perennially praised as the voice of our post-technological alienation, he has some clunkers (that is, when he can even be bothered stringing a sentence together, and not just blaming his lyrics on Burroughs’ “cut-up technique”).
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he → praise → technique
“Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon” isn’t the sort of line most artists would repeat once, let alone four times.
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artists → wake → line
Lana Del Rey conveys more alienation in one breathy sigh.
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Rey → convey → sigh
It’s music for people who think it’s a virtue when drums have no discernible pattern because they don’t know how to dance anyway.
asserted
they → ’ → pattern
People claim that Radiohead is the best band of all time, when they’re not even the best band out of Oxford (that would be Comet Gain, or maybe Heavenly if I’m feeling particularly twee).
uncertain
I → claim → Oxford
Radiohead’s popularity is the sort of phenomenon that makes you think you’re a victim of a global psyops project, like that time the internet tried to convince me that Argentinian football invented racism.
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football → make → racism
Does Samuel L. Jackson like Radiohead?
asserted
Jackson → like → Radiohead
(“There is no public record or confirmation that Samuel L. Jackson is a fan of Radiohead,” Google AI tells me, which partly rehabilitates his reputation in my eyes.
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which → be → eyes
There’s the oft-repeated claim that Radiohead – a band that, in the past decade, has released more statements “clarifying” their roundabout position on the war in Gaza than music – is the most “innovative” and “forward-thinking” band in pop history, probably because they dared to stuff ambient breakbeats and ’60s free jazz into the same song.
uncertain
they → ’ → song
But just ’cause you’ve never listened to Burial or Eric Dolphy, doesn’t mean Radiohead invented them.
asserted
Radiohead → listen → them
And as far as “forward-thinking” goes, Britney’s Blackout makes Kid A sound like medieval England – and you can sing her songs at karaoke even!
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you → go → karaoke
More to the issue, what’s the point of innovation if you’re just inventing something that sucks?
asserted
that → ’ → something
…and 23 more, not listed.
The Aporia
