Long before it became love language between those bunking up in the biblical sense, “boo” was used to frighten the kiddos.
asserted
boo → become → kiddos
But with all of this war, pestilence, homicidal rogue AI … one might suppose callous gen Zers — up through the Betans, even — just don’t frighten that easy anymore come Oct. 31.
uncertain
Zers → suppose → Betans
Hmmm, we’ll see about that.
asserted
we → see → that
If you want to scare those little scamps (or yourself) this Halloween, here are six spook-maxxing haunted haunts around the US guaranteed to goosebump even the steeliest of skins, Bay Area Bushman-style.
asserted
haunts → want → skins
What happens in Raccoon City, stays in Raccoon City.
asserted
happens → happen → City
Capcom’s famed horror video game (turned movie) franchise “Resident Evil” has overtaken Universal Horror Unleashed inside its 110,000-square-foot Area15 space in Sin City, conveniently next to the Machine Gun Vegas shooting range.
asserted
franchise → turn → range
It’s basically a dark and (pseudo)radioactively glowy haunted escape room packed with puzzles, easter eggs (umbrellas, especially, given the evil virus-making Corporation’s namesake) and awesome curdling-of-the-blood “infected undead” and easy-on-the-eyes, pony-tailed “police officer” cosplayers.
asserted
It → ’ → eyes
Sadly, you have to boogie down now — it closes Sept. 27 (the venue’s other “Scarecrow,” “Texas Chainsaw,” “Exorcist” and “Monsters” haunted houses will, irony intended, live on year-round).
asserted
irony → have → ?
Ding, dong: From $169
San Antonio
If you really want to spook the locals, just sport a Jalen Brunson Knicks jersey!
asserted
you → want → jersey
Oh we kid the San Antonians — but they no-joke it when it comes to Halloween.
asserted
it → kid → Halloween
Especially Robert James Anthony and his RJA Ghost Tours around this unusually Germanic slice of Texas (which adds even more oomph to the geisty-ness).
asserted
which → add → ness
He’ll arm you with a Dollar Tree-grade “Ghostbusters” neutrona wand and a heavily alcoholic drink (“if you dare” and are of age) as you walk around one of America’s most-haunted cities while you hit erstwhile gory stops where this red state got redder, like the Sheraton Gunter Hotel, the site of a notorious 1965 murder.
asserted
state → arm → murder
According to legend, Walter Emerick allegedly killed an unidentified blonde gal in Room 636, where a maid later discovered blood-soaked sheets and Emerick himself.
uncertain
maid → accord → sheets
No body was ever found, and Emerick fled and unalived himself.
asserted
Emerick → find → ?
The case remains unsolved, yay!
asserted
case → remain → ?
You’re gonna need that drink.
asserted
You → go → drink
He’s not exactly what the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse will ride in on, nor the Night King’s ossified four-hooved whip in “GOT” lore.
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Horseman → ’ → lore
Think of him more in “My Little Pony” terms … since that’s what he is, a 31-year-old, 250-pound gray miniature pony named Headley, well beyond the average lifespan Dr. Chad GPT likes to believe (25).
asserted
GPT → think → lifespan
And his surroundings include the saddle graveyard where literal saddles of retired cowboys and horses are placed on the limbs of Spanish moss-draped oak trees (and tend to drop from time to time, who knows why).
asserted
who → include → time
The bad news is you have to fly into Orlando to get here; the good news is you’ll not be staying there: waterpark-, archery and gun range-, rodeo-, restaurant- and general store-sporting Westgate is about an hour’s drive south.
asserted
Westgate → have → Orlando
The timing couldn’t be better: Sept. 25 through Nov. 7, the “Haunting of River Ranch” is a go, where spirits stampede its myriad stalls and other chills await.
asserted
chills → stampede → stalls
Keep your eyes peeled for local legend Kicco — one of the ranch’s bulls shish-kabbobbed this infamous rodeo clown with its horns (deservedly so, surely, if you’ve ever met one) and he was resurrected due to some misguided voodoo.
asserted
he → keep → voodoo
The boo-tang clan ain’t nothin’ to mess with.
asserted
clan → ai → ?
On All Hallows’ Eve, the isle that is Staten has become NYC’s unofficial capital of creepy — which is saying a lot — and Staten Island Haunted Houses is your main vein for getting proper heart palpitations.
asserted
Houses → become → palpitations
Everybody’s favorite dromedary-dubbed Poconos getaway, where everyday is hump day, gets super creepy when H-ween falls.
asserted
ween → dub → ?
Starting Sept. 17 and running through Nov. 8 from 6 p.m. to 10 p.m., the Curse of Camelback turns the mountain waterpark and its surrounding slopes into a make-believe chemical apocalypse (isn’t that what its fake snow machines do, anyway?).
asserted
machines → start → what
You and your crew turn into a heroic, emergency response team and help save the day.
asserted
You → turn → day
Sets, green-glowing water, mutant/monster cosplay, mazes, some dude named Gary who’s patient zero, are all involved.
asserted
who → glow → ?
It’s a whole thing.
asserted
It → ’ → ?
Knock, knock: From $30
New Orleans
You might think Halloween in the Big Easy involves handing out beads instead of candy and receiving whatever treats you might expect, wink, wink.
uncertain
you → knock → treats
Adults-only tours with truth-in-advertising names like “Bad Bitches,” “Killers and thrillers” and “Cemetery BYOB bus tours” are clearly “You need to hire a babysitter if we’re doing this”-caveated for parents.
asserted
we → need → parents
And yes, those definitely do exist; their ilk outnumbering kid-friendly ones by like 8,000 to three.
asserted
ilk → exist → three
But one of said three is Freaky Foot Tours’ Spooky Family-Friendly Ghost Tour in New Orleans for fams who keep their ghosts terrifying-lite during a two-hour tour of the French Quarter.
asserted
who → say → Quarter
It’s very woke, wheelchair accessible, with children required to stay with an adult.
asserted
children → ’ → adult
From $37
Witch to choose: How to H’ween in the historically horrifying hub of Salem
Salem, Mass., wasn’t exactly a feminist yoga retreat back in the 1600s — why, with all the witch trialing and scarlett lettering and such.
asserted
Salem → choose → trialing
But these days, it’s welcoming to all genders and ages, witchy or otherwise.
asserted
it → ’ → genders
Uniquely so when it comes to Halloween.
asserted
it → come → Halloween
Yet, it’s still graced by ghosts of the unjustly judged girls gone wild of that 17th century past.
asserted
it → grace → past
So, no surprise, Salem landed five spots on TripAdvisor‘s top 15 ghost tours list to court them (nailing down No. 1 and 2, by the way), beating out even usually top-bananaing Savannah, according to MagicHour.ai.
uncertain
Salem → land → MagicHour.ai
“Salem’s name has been shadowed since 1692, when a wave of witchcraft accusations swept this Massachusetts town and ended with 20 innocent people executed and hundreds more imprisoned,” according to Salem Ghost Tours, a leader of many of them.
uncertain
hundreds → shadow → them
…and 6 more, not listed.
The Aporia
