In Aesop’s fable of the donkey, a man is criticised for riding his donkey to market while his son walks.
asserted
son → criticise → market
When he lets his son ride, he’s criticised for spoiling the boy.
asserted
he → let → boy
He joins the boy on the donkey and is criticised for hurting the animal.
asserted
He → join → animal
Finally, he and the boy carry the donkey, but drop it into a river.
asserted
he → carry → river
Moral: try to please everybody and you’ll please nobody, plus you drown your donkey.
asserted
you → try → donkey
Sheeran, a 35-year-old English married father of two, has made a successful art of inoffensiveness, selling 200 million records from pleasant tunes and lyrics that never offended anyone.
asserted
that → make → anyone
His wife, his childhood sweetheart, had cancer.
asserted
wife → have → cancer
He supports charities that also offend no one.
asserted
that → support → one
Until this month, the worst he was accused of was plagiarising melodies, but in the gloriously lucrative middle that Sheeran occupies, everything sounds a bit like something else.
asserted
everything → accuse → something
So how is it that Ed Sheeran has ended up offending everyone?
asserted
Sheeran → end → everyone
This fable started when Sheeran, for his sold-out tour Loop, invited the American rapper Macklemore to be his support act.
asserted
Sheeran → start → rapper
As the warm-up act for the 2017 NRL grand final in Sydney, back when we had such things, Macklemore performed his anthem Same Love as we approached the same-sex marriage plebiscite.
asserted
we → warm → plebiscite
Since the onset of the war in Gaza, Macklemore has campaigned for the Palestinian people and his song Hind’s Hall is named for a six-year-old Palestinian victim.
asserted
song → campaign → victim
Sheeran, who has proudly made mega-bland into a mega-brand, might have been using Macklemore as a proxy, to give his shows a bit of edge while remaining personally apolitical.
uncertain
who → make → edge
Sheeran’s most radical stance on anything had been to echo others’ opposition to Brexit.
asserted
stance → echo → Brexit
You really could please everyone all the time, or so the business model went.
uncertain
model → please → everyone
Then came private property, in the person of Robert Kraft, owner of the Boston stadium where Sheeran and Macklemore were booked.
asserted
Sheeran → come → stadium
Benjamin Netanyahu has described Kraft as Israel’s most loyal friend.
asserted
Netanyahu → describe → friend
Kraft told Sheeran the concert could not proceed unless Macklemore was removed.
uncertain
Macklemore → tell → Sheeran
Other stadium owners reportedly threatened the same.
uncertain
owners → threaten → same
Macklemore was punted.
asserted
Macklemore → punt → ?
Sheeran’s other support acts and backing band pulled out of the tour in solidarity.
asserted
acts → back → solidarity
Sheeran, desperate to continue taking no position, said the decision was not his but the tour promoter’s.
asserted
decision → continue → position
Sheeran has continued the tour solo, making passive-voice apologies and condemning all violence.
asserted
Sheeran → continue → violence
On Instagram he posted, “There are too many wars across the world causing immeasurable pain, none of which should be tolerated.”
asserted
none → post → which
The Hamas attacks of October 7, 2023 were “horrific”, he said on stage, and the Israeli Defence Forces’ response was “catastrophic”.
asserted
response → say → stage
By now, he was carrying the donkey onto the bridge.
asserted
he → carry → bridge
The pile-on intensified.
asserted
on → intensify → ?
“Even Ed Sheeran’s apology took both sides,” said The New Yorker’s headline.
asserted
headline → take → sides
The internet joke went, “How do I boycott Ed Sheeran’s music when my previous consumption of his work was zero?”
asserted
consumption → go → work
Criticised by both pro-Palestine and pro-Israel voices, Sheeran found new friends in the anti-woke far right.
asserted
Sheeran → criticise → right
A fan, Eva Stevens, said “the middle” was now the most dangerous place to be.
asserted
middle → say → ?
Sheeran was just bending over backwards to avoid making enemies, wasn’t he?
asserted
he → bend → enemies
He sang at Kraft’s wedding.
asserted
He → sing → wedding
Sheeran had to consider the infrastructure of workers, from stage riggers to popcorn sellers, whose pay packets depended on him.
asserted
packets → have → him
But you can’t draw a straight line in curved space, even if you’re Ed Sheeran.
asserted
you → draw → space
The mental and moral gymnastics of inoffensiveness and de-escalating conflict through general agreeableness may be a mask for cowardice, but it can also be the kind of complicity that gives a free pass for power to do what it wants.
uncertain
it → escalate → what
We equate celebrity with power and influence, but the Sheeran fable shows the illusion of this “power” when it butts up against the raw reality of real estate.
asserted
it → equate → estate
Kraft, like theatre owners stopping certain plays and like tech bros dictating the content of their social media platforms, is asserting his private property rights.
asserted
bros → stop → rights
When we talk about free speech, what we’re often really talking about is control of the spaces in which speech happens.
asserted
speech → talk → which
…and 12 more, not listed.
The Aporia
