Out of sight of the reading public, unbeknown to bibliophiles, unsuspected by the churners-through of this year’s Top 10 Must Read lists, ignored by the bookshops and poo-poohed by publishers, biographies and histories are being penned for sums of money so large their authors are J.K. Rowling in money.
asserted
authors → read → money
Almost every big man sitting, Mojito in hand, beside his own swimming pool outside his beach house in Byron eventually begins to worry that his extraordinary life will disappear, unrecorded, uncelebrated.
asserted
life → sit → Byron
It’s a galling realisation when, Lord knows, a quest as righteous as his has been might be used to instruct his grandchildren, currently mewling, unenlightened, in their $5000 Danish bassinets.
uncertain
his → ’ → bassinets
Their thoughts go something like this: “My glory years controlling the firm must be captured for posterity.
asserted
years → go → posterity
For the sake of the family – an important history recording the brave battles I fought and won, allowing us to dominate markets where lesser men and firms foundered.”
asserted
men → record → markets
Next thing, these poolside giants are looking for an amanuensis.
asserted
giants → look → amanuensis
A friend of mine hires himself out to write self-published biographies for ex-CEOs and other assorted big men, histories of famous families and renowned Australian companies.
asserted
friend → hire → families
No surprise it’s generally men who recognise their lives must be mythologised or the world be poorer.
asserted
world → ’ → ?
The trick, if you want to write a biography of an emeritus CEO, is to find a big-swinging dick who isn’t a dick.
asserted
who → want → dick
But it’s more likely you’ll write a biography for a yeti than that.
asserted
you → ’ → that
Your client will be difficult – bordering on Stalinesque.
asserted
client → border → Stalinesque
These self-funded wannabe biographees have run worlds without recourse to manners, laws or morals.
asserted
biographees → fund → manners
When you sign on to write a biography of Clarence Dinklinker AC you better realise he wants a story in which he is Galahad.
asserted
he → sign → which
Don’t be a fool and let your journalistic ethics, historian’s integrity, proven methodologies, or just plain old honesty lead you astray, towards objectivity and fact.
asserted
ethics → prove → objectivity
You’re not writing this book for a readership – you’re writing it for a reader.
asserted
you → write → reader
Dinklinker wants a hagiography, plain and simple.
asserted
Dinklinker → want → hagiography
He wants to look like Steve McQueen with cojones like cantaloupes and a halo like a truck tyre.
asserted
He → want → tyre
No one who’s spent a life befuddling the ATO and battling unions to make a fortune against the odds wants to be cynically celebrated in amber ambiguity like Serrano’s Piss Christ.
asserted
who → spend → Christ
But... do you remember the first time you heard your recorded voice?
asserted
you → remember → voice
It sounded like a stranger, didn’t it?
asserted
it → sound → stranger
You don’t sound like that.
asserted
You → sound → that
A biographee experiences a similar dissociation.
asserted
biographee → experience → dissociation
Big, important fellows never recognise the self they know and idolise in the book they’ve paid someone to write about them.
asserted
they → recognise → them
So writing a biography of a Dinklinker is as risky as being Pol Pot’s portraitist...
asserted
writing → write → Dinklinker
“Are you suggesting, with your laboured draftsmanship, that my eyes are set so close together?”
asserted
eyes → suggest → draftsmanship
I met my friend, the freelancing biographer, in a cafe last week.
asserted
I → meet → cafe
He currently has four books run aground on the reef-egos of big men.
asserted
books → have → men
They don’t agree with what he’s written.
asserted
he → agree → what
They won’t pay for anything less than an anthem and he still has a homeopathic inkling of integrity that won’t let him deliver.
asserted
him → pay → integrity
He’s entangled in a history of a canning business where the three brothers who founded the company all insist on being the hero and that the other two coat-tail-riding layabouts be given mere walk-on roles.
asserted
layabouts → entangle → roles
Another of his bespoke mires is a history of a mining company in which he’s serving a dozen different masters, all ex-directors and CEOs, who have got up a riot of contradictory narcissistic fabrications and exculpatory balderdash.
asserted
who → serve → fabrications
Not only have they conflicting “memories” of who sired the company, they’re willing to sue if their paternity is questioned in print.
asserted
paternity → sire → print
There he sat in our little local cafe, the biographer for hire, cowed by the protagonists of his various works-in-progress, at war with balding gangs of once greatish men, holding on, trying to write something closer to true than they will swallow.
asserted
they → sit → something
I pitied him.
asserted
I → pity → him
He had mistresses to hide, bankruptcies to gloss over, prosecutions to de-emphasise, failed mergers to justify...
asserted
He → have → mistresses
It’s no easy thing writing history to order if you fancy yourself honest.
asserted
yourself → ’ → history
But the wealthy pay big for pretty lies, and a man’s got to eat.
asserted
man → pay → lies
On our second bottle he mumbled, “What a joy it would be to write of an utter nobody, like you do.”
asserted
you → mumble → nobody
The Aporia
