Every day, across the City of Angels, motorists sit in traffic and mull over the messages: “WYA OMW,” “2 NRVUS,” “1RNG 2RL,” “CHZ PL8,” “2BCONTD.”
asserted
motorists → sit → messages
Thanks to the exhibitionists, any parking lot can serve as an adventure in wordplay.
asserted
lot → serve → wordplay
It’s a puzzle, a respite, a bright spot on congested LA streets.
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It → ’ → streets
They all say something about this megalopolis and the people who call it home.
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who → say → it
Cars have long been vehicles for Angeleno self-expression, ever since the automobile’s rise to popularity in the 1920s and the explosion of car ownership that came with post-World War II prosperity and suburbanization.
asserted
that → come → prosperity
Whether it was buying a Cadillac with fins or customizing your car to be a lowrider, what you drove became as personal as your signature, an extension of the clothes you chose to wear on your back.
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you → buy → back
California introduced personalized vanity plates in 1970, allowing for a whole new world of personalization — and showmanship.
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California → introduce → personalization
Despite California’s being pricey ($50-$100 per year in DMV fees), the Golden State boasts the most vanity plates of all the states.
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State → boast → states
There are 36 million licensed vehicles in California, and 1 million of those have vanity plates, leading the US in sheer numbers of personalized plates.
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million → be → plates
California has nearly exhausted its 7-character sequence, and the DMV is preparing for a new sequence to last for an expected 40 years.
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DMV → exhaust → years
But even if the standard code is changing, you can always choose your own adventure with a vanity plate.
asserted
you → change → plate
The California DMV receives 250,000 vanity plate applications per year, but officials are pretty picky.
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officials → receive → year
In order to get past the DMV, you do have to choose 1) a phrase that has not yet been taken and 2) a sequence deemed inoffensive to the DMV reviewers, what the DMV calls conforming to “good taste and decency.”
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DMV → get → taste
That means: Sexual innuendos, drug references, hate speech and racism are not tolerated.
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innuendos → mean → ?
But, as this is more of a “you know it when you see it” kind of rule, occasionally, some things slip past.
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things → know → rule
The marketing official explained the plate was a “humorous” reference to the now-defunct self-help cult once active in LA, whose cult leader Keith Raniere sexually assaulted his victims and branded them with his initials.
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Raniere → explain → initials
Raniere is now serving life in prison.
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Raniere → serve → prison
Wisely, Heppler eventually decided to change his plate.
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Heppler → decide → plate
And sometimes vanity plates backfire and personalization isn’t worth the world of trouble they unleash.
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they → backfire → trouble
In 1979, an Angeleno named Robert Barbour registered his plate as “No Plate.”
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Angeleno → name → Plate
He thought this was pretty funny, until he realized that every time an officer charged a vehicle without a plate a fine, the bill was directed to him.
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bill → think → him
Vanity plates can be transferred between registrants.
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plates → transfer → registrants
This makes keying in their name, like buying up a particular web domain, a new form of investment.
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keying → make → investment
Recently, The California Post reported a “USC” plate went for sale, with an eyebrow-raising asking price of $675,000.
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plate → report → 675,000
The eventual buyer better love the Trojans with all his or her heart — and all their savings.
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buyer → love → heart
The plate of our freelance lifestyle columnist, Liz Angeles, reads “5 ★ Handz,” reflecting her job as a massage therapist.
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plate → read → therapist
His vanity plate reads, “CA POST.”
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plate → read → POST
I congratulate my boss on his successful DMV representation of our entire publication, but I can’t say I want to pursue the same type of notoriety myself.
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I → congratulate → notoriety
They’re stenciled into your paperwork for the life of your vehicle, a sequence that holds so much weight in car-dependent California.
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that → stencil → California
It’s like stenciling a monarch butterfly on your lower back forever, lest you opt for the laser.
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you → ’ → laser
For the same reason I’ve never gotten a tattoo, I’ve never pursued a vanity plate.
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I → get → plate
I’m not sure I like any one phrase enough to emblazon it on my soul — I mean, my driving record.
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I → ’m → soul
And while I might be an exhibitionist in words, in traffic I prefer some relative anonymity.
uncertain
I → prefer → anonymity
But I do like some degree of self-expression on my vehicle.
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I → like → vehicle
I have a compromise.
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I → have → compromise
License plate frames represent an affordable alternative.
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frames → represent → alternative
My current one says “Dodgers Back-to-Back Champs.”
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one → say → Champs
That’s too long to fit in seven characters, anyway.
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That → ’ → characters
If I grow tired of it, I can change it out.
asserted
I → grow → it
And if the Dodgers make the three-peat — I know which one I’ll replace it with.
asserted
I → make → it
The Aporia
