Hope Again screams Labour's 2026 conference slogan.
asserted
Hope → hope → slogan
This is political code for 'thank heavens we're shot of Starmer and Reeves'.
asserted
we → thank → Starmer
At last year's conference they all gushed about how wonderful Sir Keir had seen off that idiot Andy Burnham.
asserted
Keir → gush → idiot
'What a difference 12 months makes,' cried oddball Ellie Reeves, Attorney General, rejoicing that the last lot had been ditched.
asserted
lot → make → difference
Party dignitaries work it into their speeches.
asserted
dignitaries → work → speeches
Everyone has been told to say 'hope' and to look zingy when saying it.
asserted
Everyone → tell → it
Pat McFadden, Work and Pensions Secretary, did his best but he is not made for optimism.
asserted
he → do → optimism
They were holding a banner saying 'Zionists control the Labour Party'.
asserted
Zionists → hold → Party
The hope thing was also a test for Bridget Phillipson, sacked as education secretary but now chairman of the party.
asserted
thing → sack → party
Scary Bridget is not terrific at smiling.
asserted
Bridget → smile → smiling
It's like asking a gerbil to whistle.
asserted
It → ask → gerbil
She gave one of her acidic speeches, all monochrome glumness, her face ivory under a glistening helmet of jet-black hair.
asserted
face → give → hair
'Bringing hulp back to Britain,' muttered Bridget.
asserted
Bridget → bring → Britain
That's how she pronounces hope.
asserted
she → pronounce → hope
The next election was going to be 'a choice between hulp and fear'.
asserted
election → go → hulp
Bridget Phillipson, sacked as education secretary but now chairman of the party on the first day of the Labour Party Conference in Liverpool
Did someone off-stage instruct her to smile at this point?
asserted
someone → sack → point
Her lean lips cracked and her gaze darted.
asserted
gaze → crack → ?
Eyelashes Andy had got the day under way with a strangely myopic interview with the BBC's Laura Kuenssberg.
asserted
Andy → get → Kuenssberg
He was, you see, without his glasses, so spent much of the time peering at her through narrowed eyes.
asserted
you → see → eyes
Perhaps he hoped it would make him look brainy.
asserted
him → hop → ?
'I won't dodge the difficult questions,' averred Eyelashes.
asserted
Eyelashes → dodge → questions
Laura, very much the senior partner in these exchanges, did indeed ask tricky questions about Heathrow airport expansion and welfare spending.
asserted
Laura → ask → expansion
Mr Burnham dodged both.
asserted
Burnham → dodge → both
On old people's care there came a defiant hint that taxes would rise.
asserted
taxes → come → care
He grumbled about being constrained by the 2024 manifesto.
asserted
He → grumble → manifesto
I'd put ten bob on the next general election happening soonish.
asserted
I → put → election
In the conference hall the platform officials consisted of several stolid, bald chaps who sat under that 'HOPE AGAIN' logo.
asserted
who → consist → logo
Lots of people were leaving their jobs.
asserted
Lots → leave → jobs
Huge bouquets were presented to, among others, the party's general secretary, Hollie Ridley, who has been replaced by someone less southern.
asserted
who → present → someone
Hollie became almost weepy.
asserted
Hollie → become → ?
Her successor is a man called Fortune – good name for a socialist.
asserted
successor → call → socialist
The moment his appointment was approved, Hollie vanished through a black hole in the back wall.
asserted
Hollie → approve → wall
She'll probably re-
asserted
She → re → ?
We heard a complaint that conference voting forms were hard for dyslexic members to read.
asserted
members → hear → complaint
The unions were in strong voice, giving burpy cheers when a barely literate Unite comrade called Dave chaired a session.
asserted
comrade → give → session
Rebecca from Bristol, in red, off-the-shoulder ball gown, was told 'you can't make a reference back'.
asserted
you → tell → reference
One of the bald blokes thought the plural of reference back was 'reference backs'.
asserted
plural → think → reference
The slogan is everywhere: on podiums, walls, pillars, badges, stickers, even on lavatory urinals
The new deputy leader, Lucy Powell, was given ten minutes, nine more than she merited.
asserted
she → give → minutes
As Education Secretary she intends to 'take down barriers' in schools.
asserted
she → intend → schools
Bang go exams.
asserted
exams → go → ?
…and 8 more, not listed.
The Aporia
