There is a scene in season two of Friends I think about often.
asserted
I → be → Friends
Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey, who have low-paying jobs, decide to have a serious conversation with their more wealthy friends —Ross, Monica, and Chandler—about struggling to pay for expensive group dinners and concert tickets.
asserted
who → have → dinners
Ross says he never thinks about money, prompting Rachel’s famous line, “That’s because you have it!”
asserted
you → say → it
Even though this scene aired in 1995, the same dynamic continues to play out in friendships in 2026.
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dynamic → air → 2026
Last year, my friend wanted to have a birthday dinner at Carbone in London, an Italian restaurant that is arguably more famous for celebrity sightings than its actual food.
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that → want → food
My friend works full-time at a national magazine, whereas I’m a freelancer.
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I → work → magazine
Everyone else cancelled on her birthday, so it was just the two of us.
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it → cancel → us
I felt bad for her, so I didn’t mind spending $75 on food.
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I → feel → food
But a few months later, when it was time to plan my birthday, I couldn’t imagine asking any of my friends to spend the same amount on me just to visit a fancy restaurant.
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I → plan → restaurant
It felt like an extortionate amount of money.
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It → feel → money
It felt tone deaf and entitled.
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It → feel → ?
So I hosted a house party instead and asked everyone to bring pizza.
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I → host → pizza
Another friend recently ranted to me about how she has spent more than $10,000 over the last year attending destination weddings and bachelorette parties.
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she → rant → weddings
And while she is, of course, ultimately responsible for her decision to oblige, she has also noticed that the financial pressure to participate in expensive wedding culture tends to breed unnecessary, quiet resentment among her friends.
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pressure → oblige → friends
Money can shape friendships and also reveal people’s values.
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Money → shape → values
The wealth gap between friends doesn’t necessarily cause dramatic fights or resentment.
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gap → cause → fights
More often, it shows up in the small decisions: where you eat, which holidays you can afford, whether you can join a last-minute night out, or whether suggesting an expensive activity feels embarrassing in the first place.
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suggesting → show → place
And unlike romantic relationships, where finances are often explicitly discussed, friends rarely sit down and talk about the fact that one person earns significantly more than another.
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person → discuss → another
Instead, the person with less money can become the one who compromises or simply starts opting out.
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who → become → money
The way we handle money with our friends reveals a lot about our values, particularly when there is a significant wealth gap.
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we → handle → values
Someone who can comfortably spend lavishly on a dinner, holiday, or birthday celebration may not realize that they're effectively asking a friend with less disposable income to make a significant financial sacrifice to participate.
uncertain
they → spend → sacrifice
Too often people go into debt in order to attend a friend’s bachelorette.
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people → go → bachelorette
Then there’s Venmo ghosting where people avoid repaying their friends after a shared bill.
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people → ’ → bill
When friends repeatedly avoid paying someone back, the problem is that one person is comfortable making another person carry the financial burden.
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person → avoid → burden
Money and conversations around money are taboo in our society, says psychotherapist Silvia Dutchevici, a licensed clinical social worker.
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Dutchevici → say → society
“In my practice, I’ve seen patients share their most intense fears and sexual desires with little reservation, and then become visibly uncomfortable when asked about their salary, or naming the amount of a bonus or raise.”
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patients → see → bonus
Think about it: how many of us actually know how much money our friends have or the salaries they make?
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they → think → money
Money, it turns out, is never just money.
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it → turn → ?
It’s a modern measurement of traits like freedom, prestige, power, and control.
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It → ’ → freedom
Our society implicitly and explicitly sends the message that money is equivalent to worth.
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money → send → worth
“Neoliberal ideology tells us that financial success is the result of hard work, and that poverty is a personal failure rather than a systemic problem,” points out Dutchevici.
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Dutchevici → tell → problem
When two friends have very different financial circumstances, acknowledging the gap can feel like saying something about who is more deserving, or who is less hard working.
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who → have → something
Both sides can carry shame.
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sides → carry → shame
The friend with less money may feel judged or inadequate.
uncertain
friend → feel → money
Meanwhile, many affluent people also carry a deep shame around wealth, feel undeserving of it, and hide their financial means.
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people → carry → means
“I once worked with a woman set to inherit millions who felt she couldn’t accept it until she had proved her worth by earning her own,” says Dutchevici.
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Dutchevici → work → own
It is interesting to witness how wealth inequality is reshaping friendships, particularly as the cost of living continues to rise and people in the same social circles can have wildly different disposable incomes.
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people → witness → incomes
Many of my friends have had their parents buy them houses, so their entire salary is spent on holidays, shopping, and frivolous hobbies.
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salary → have → holidays
My paycheck, in contrast, goes towards rent and covering my basic needs.
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paycheck → go → needs
This inherently changes how we spend our days.
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we → change → days
…and 14 more, not listed.
The Aporia
