I started sharing my failures in fertility five years ago.
asserted
I → start → fertility
Mostly because I have a big mouth.
asserted
I → have → mouth
And I couldn't dodge the constant question — "Do you have kids?" Everyone asks it.
asserted
Everyone → dodge → it
Colleagues, acquaintances, that person I bumped into on the way to the bin.
asserted
I → bump → bin
I expected sharing my miscarriages and failed IVF transfers to bring in a barrage of advice — "Sashi have you tried [insert doctor, product, test, treatment or magic spell]?"
asserted
you → expect → doctor
It was so well intentioned that I fast learnt to politely nod while internally howling into a canyon.
asserted
I → intentione → canyon
I also expected strangers to short circuit in response to my breaking of the social contract to only share good news.
asserted
strangers → expect → news
Once, after hearing of my miscarriages, a woman put her hands on my stomach and said, "I do declare your womb will bear, by the will of God."
asserted
womb → hear → God
I politely nodded so the barbecue could continue.
uncertain
barbecue → nod → ?
Unfortunately, whichever god she contacted was busy.
asserted
contacted → contact → god
What I never expected was the outpouring of support, and to hear from so many in the same situation.
asserted
expected → expect → situation
What I also didn't expect was a stranger to volunteer as a surrogate.
asserted
stranger → expect → surrogate
Last spring, I shared the stranger's message with my husband Charlie.
asserted
I → share → husband
After firmly deciding to take a break from IVF, I had researched other options with the zeal of an Olympic sprinter hurtling towards the finish line.
asserted
I → decide → line
The waters of international adoption and commercial surrogacy appeared murky and expensive.
asserted
waters → appear → adoption
Someone who seemed far too altruistic for the cynical world shouted about on the nightly news.
asserted
who → seem → news
Charlie said, "That's got to be a weirdo love," and I said, "Almost definitely, but it's worth a phone call."
That call led to meeting a kind and lovely human at a cafe a few months later.
asserted
call → say → cafe
She was married with two kids and felt compelled by our story to contact me.
asserted
She → marry → me
There are good people doing good things constantly, they're just not featured in the news too often.
asserted
they → be → news
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I looked into the state of Victoria's surrogacy process, which requires counselling, legal advice and medical approvals.
asserted
which → sign → counselling
Even with two law degrees, it was a lot to decipher.
asserted
it → decipher → degrees
We decided to walk the path lined with endless paperwork.
asserted
We → decide → paperwork
The first step was to get approval from my IVF clinic.
asserted
step → get → clinic
I thought that would be the easiest one.
asserted
that → think → ?
I didn't expect the answer I got.
asserted
I → expect → answer
"You can do this," they said over the phone, "but it's unlikely to make a difference in your case.
asserted
it → do → case
It was the first time I was told the problem likely wasn't my body, it was the embryos.
asserted
it → tell → ?
For whatever reason the tests couldn't pinpoint, they weren't keepers.
asserted
they → pinpoint → reason
I'd spent so long feeling guilty.
asserted
I → spend → ?
It was why I'd researched every other path, to the exasperation of Charlie, who said we'd be fine without kids.
asserted
we → research → kids
I'd taken every pill and potion available, consulted with a UK-based naturopath I've never seen or met, used a hormone tracking device to monitor my daily pee, and watched what I ate, drank and how I slept.
asserted
I → take → what
I thought that if I did enough, I could shake the guilt that screamed it was my defective body's fault that we couldn't grow a family.
uncertain
we → think → family
And now, I'd found a whole other, clearly functioning body.
asserted
I → find → body
I should've felt fury but all I felt was relief.
asserted
I → feel → fury
My shoulders dropped from the level of my ears.
asserted
shoulders → drop → ears
I didn't even know they were up there.
asserted
they → know → ?
Years ago, I tried wakeboarding for the first time.
asserted
I → try → time
I was really struggling to stay on the board and was distracted by the thought that waterboarding is a far more sensible term for boarding on the water — why did we use that term for a terrible form of torture instead?
asserted
we → struggle → torture
My friend shouted from the boat, you're fighting with the rope for control it instead of letting it guide you, you've got to relax your hold.
asserted
you → shout → hold
I've been told to relax my whole life and would you believe, it's never helped me to relax.
asserted
me → tell → ?
…and 7 more, not listed.
The Aporia