Presenter Charlene White has revealed she had a panic attack outside work while consumed by grief following her father Denniston’s suicide.
asserted
she → reveal → suicide
At the time, White said she and her family had decided to be open about his death as “hiding emotions and the true depth of our feelings – hurt, pain, shock, grief – helps no-one”.
asserted
hiding → say → one
A year on, she has shared a heartbreaking post reflecting on the 12 months since her father’s death.
asserted
she → share → death
“Life has to continue.
asserted
Life → continue → ?
Which feels so cruel... when all you want to do is punch stuff and scream.
asserted
you → feel → stuff
Instead I go to work, and desperately try to keep it together,” she penned on Instagram.
asserted
she → go → Instagram
“Sometimes I pull it off, sometimes I don't.
asserted
I → pull → it
The worst was a panic attack outside work, a colleague managed to stop me from falling to the pavement and held me up as I struggled to breathe.
asserted
I → manage → me
My boss ran out and just held onto me, while regulating my breathing.
asserted
boss → run → breathing
Over and over again, I kept saying, 'I'm so sorry.
asserted
I → keep → ?
White went on: “For a woman who likes to be in control, having no control over my body's reaction to grief in unexpected moments has been hard to expect.”
asserted
having → go → moments
The presenter shared a series of slides documenting the day she found out about her father’s death – and the “worst” 12 months of her life since.
asserted
she → share → life
She detailed that on the night of her father’s death, she had been out celebrating a friend’s birthday before receiving a call on her way home just before midnight informing her of the death.
asserted
she → detail → death
“I jumped out of the car on the main road, unable to breathe, gasping for air, and fell to the floor,” she said.
asserted
she → jump → floor
Upon arriving home, White said there was a “sea of flashing blue lights, strangers in uniform and an ambulance”.
asserted
White → arrive → uniform
After “running inside confused”, White was told by a police officer “the truth that couldn’t be shared on the phone” regarding the circumstances of her father’s death.
asserted
that → run → death
She was then tasked with breaking the news to family and friends as her brother and sister were out of the country.
asserted
brother → task → country
“It fell on me to make the phone calls that would break the hearts of family and friends.
asserted
that → fall → family
Those who loved him, those who grew up with him, those who held their phones in stunned silence and disbelief.
asserted
who → love → silence
I had to hold it together enough to make those calls.
asserted
I → have → calls
Responsibility trumped falling apart,” she wrote.
asserted
she → trump → ?
White said that she “refused” to tell her siblings the “truth” over the phone, but then had to “break their hearts for the second time… as their world shifted and broke into a million confused pieces”.
asserted
world → say → pieces
“When both finally knew, I fell to the floor and howled.
asserted
I → know → floor
The depths of my sadness finally set free now that we all knew the truth,” she added.
asserted
she → set → truth
She went on to write that she now faces an “almost ever present sadness in the pit of my stomach”.
asserted
she → go → stomach
White – who is also a presenter on ITV News and appeared on I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! in 2022 – went on: “Tears have been frequent and often this year.
asserted
Tears → appear → 2022
It’s the not knowing why.
asserted
It → ’ → ?
We can ask the question into the empty space a million times, but there is no reply.
asserted
We → ask → space
“So it leaves you with a weird kind of unfinished grief.
asserted
it → leave → grief
In the darkness, he chose to leave us all behind.
asserted
he → choose → us
He couldn’t see the joy in what he’d built anymore.”
asserted
he → see → what
The presenter said that that “recovery and sadness” means she often does not answer the phone, does not attend events and has “many many unreplied messages”.
asserted
she → say → messages
“Some days getting out of bed, parenting and going to work is all I can cope with.
asserted
I → get → work
Most of my energy is spent on holding it together and not falling apart,” she said.
asserted
she → spend → it
However she said her decision to share her journey of grief came after receiving letters, cards and messages from “other survivors left behind after suicide”.
asserted
decision → say → suicide
“We chose to speak openly as we didn’t want to live like this,” she wrote, adding that in the past year four men she knows personally have taken their own lives.
asserted
she → choose → lives
“I hope that if someone reading this needs help, they talk rather than act.
asserted
they → hope → help
I hope they reach out for help, and don’t make a decision which can’t be reversed.
asserted
which → hope → decision
The darkness will make you believe you’re alone, please don’t listen to it,” she added.
asserted
she → make → it
In the post White also thanked the police officers from Lewisham Police Station who were on shift and responded on the night of her father’s death, as well as the counselling team at the charity Suicide and Co, as well as her friends, family, partner and children.
asserted
who → thank → charity
…and 3 more, not listed.
The Aporia
