When your kid comes home from school and says they hate their stomach, that nobody wants to be their friend because they’re “fat,” or that everyone in their class is better-looking than they are, you’d probably do anything to help them see what you see—which means the reassurance practically flies out of your mouth.
asserted
reassurance → come → mouth
“You’re beautiful!”
asserted
You → ’re → ?
“You’re perfect!”
asserted
You → ’re → ?
How could they possibly think otherwise?
uncertain
they → think → ?
That impulse comes from a good place—but it can shut down the very conversation you want to have, says Dr. Whitney Casares, a pediatrician in Portland, Ore., and author of Raising Body-Confident Kids.
asserted
Casares → come → Kids
“It tells a child, don’t feel what you’re feeling,” she says.
asserted
she → tell → what
“The goal is to help kids feel heard first and really to keep the door open.”
asserted
kids → help → door
We asked experts exactly what to say when your child is struggling with how they look.
asserted
they → ask → what
Before you can help, you need to know what you’re responding to.
asserted
you → help → what
Did a classmate make a rude comment?
asserted
classmate → make → comment
Did your child see something triggering online?
asserted
child → see → something
Or is their body feeling unfamiliar as they go through puberty?
asserted
they → feel → puberty
Those possibilities call for different conversations, Casares says.
asserted
Casares → call → conversations
A kid who says everyone is thinner than they are might be comparing bodies in dance class—or feeling left out by a best friend and assuming their appearance is the reason.
uncertain
appearance → say → friend
Give your child time to explain, and let them know you’re glad they trusted you with something hard to say.
asserted
they → give → something
“It’s a really good sign if your kid’s coming to you with a question,” says Charlotte Markey, a psychology professor at Rutgers University and author of books including The Body Image Book for Girls.
asserted
Markey → ’ → Girls
Even if you’re scrambling to figure out how to respond, showing that you welcome the conversation makes it more likely they’ll come to you again.
asserted
they → scramble → you
“I can see why that would have been really upsetting for you.”
asserted
that → see → you
It’s important to validate your kid’s feelings without agreeing with whatever harsh judgment they’re making about themselves.
asserted
they → ’ → themselves
That’s why Markey likes this way of acknowledging the hurt without reinforcing the criticism.
asserted
Markey → ’ → criticism
“It can be really difficult when we feel like someone doesn’t have a positive opinion of us,” she says.
asserted
she → feel → us
If a classmate’s comment set this off, follow up with: “Why do you think that person said that?”
asserted
person → set → that
Maybe Preston the fourth-grader was insulting everyone, or didn’t even understand the word he was using.
asserted
he → insult → word
Exploring what happened can help your child question how much weight to give the remark.
asserted
child → explore → remark
“If the kid can get to the place of feeling like, ‘No, they’re wrong,’ on their own, it’s much more powerful,” Markey says.
asserted
Markey → get → own
After all, your insistence that they’re beautiful comes with an obvious caveat: You’re their parent.
asserted
You → ’re → caveat
Of course you think that.
asserted
you → think → that
“Bodies come in different shapes and sizes.”
“Why am I bigger than my friends?” can feel like a loaded question, but there’s room for a straightforward answer: Genetics help shape our bodies, just as they influence our height and eye color, Markey says.
asserted
Markey → come → height
Talking about family resemblance can help make those differences feel ordinary.
asserted
differences → talk → resemblance
The message is that your child doesn’t need to look like their best friend—and their body isn’t a project they need to fix.
asserted
they → need → friend
If they ask, “Am I fat?” resist the reflexive “No!” advises Giulia Suro, a clinical psychologist in Washington, D.C., who specializes in eating disorders.
asserted
who → ask → disorders
That response can reinforce the idea that being fat is something to fear.
asserted
being → reinforce → idea
Instead, get curious about what the word means to them and where they learned to associate it with something negative.
asserted
they → get → something
You can acknowledge differences in body size without treating one as better than another or promising your child they’ll eventually be smaller.
asserted
they → acknowledge → child
“What’s the scariest thing about that?”
asserted
thing → ’ → that
During her first week of kindergarten, Suro’s daughter came home and announced: “I’m not the prettiest girl in the class.”
asserted
I → come → class
Even for a psychologist who specializes in eating disorders, it was startling to hear.
asserted
it → specialize → disorders
Instead of reassuring her daughter about her looks, Suro asked what felt scariest about that.
asserted
what → reassure → that
Her daughter worried she wouldn’t make friends—that no one would like her, and she’d end up eating lunch alone.
asserted
she → worry → lunch
Now Suro had something concrete to help with.
asserted
Suro → have → something
…and 56 more, not listed.
The Aporia
