Cats run every house they inhabit.
asserted
they → run → house
They demand to be fed.
asserted
They → demand → ?
They snooze all day, wherever they want.
asserted
they → snooze → ?
Maybe they will hop up on your lap as you watch Netflix.
asserted
you → hop → Netflix
It depends on mood, which toggles between vaguely curious and utterly disinterested.
asserted
which → depend → mood
I direct your attention to new feline research.
asserted
I → direct → research
This does not come from National Geographic or the Veterinary Journal.
asserted
This → come → Geographic
It seems 91 per cent of cat parents “reported at least one behaviour reflecting how much say their cat has in their life.”
asserted
cat → seem → life
If you put on that new crimson blazer and your cat hisses, do you change before going to work?
asserted
you → put → work
If your cat scratches a letter from the CRA, do you not file your taxes?
asserted
you → scratch → taxes
Should I pave my backyard and install a Podkletnov Rotating Superconductor?
asserted
I → pave → Superconductor
Another finding by Nulo marketers: “One in four cat parents (25 per cent) would stop dating someone their cat disliked.
asserted
cat → stop → someone
Among female cat parents, that figure rises to 32 per cent compared with 17 per cent of male cat parents.
asserted
figure → rise → parents
So, yeah, guys are less likely to kibosh a hookup because Bojangles isn’t vibing with Veronica.
asserted
Bojangles → kibosh → Veronica
But do a quarter of cat owners really make soul mate picks based on how their kitty responds to a suitor in the foyer?
asserted
kitty → make → foyer
We are giving our cats more domestic power than they want or deserve.
asserted
they → give → power
How does your cat know if Michael, the venture capitalist you met on Tinder, is marriage material?
asserted
you → know → Tinder
Your cat can barely stand you most days.
asserted
cat → stand → you
If your cat had to pick between you and a bag of Purina, the kibble gets the nod every time.
asserted
kibble → have → nod
In a separate study published this week in the journal PLOS One, researchers found a correlation between happiness levels in 93 countries and the number of household cats: “Our main findings showed that, besides the typical associations between subjective well-being and some socioeconomic factors, national happiness was largely and positively associated with cat density …”
asserted
happiness → publish → density
Vladimir Lenin owned a cat.
asserted
Lenin → own → cat
That cat didn’t flinch at totalitarianism.
asserted
cat → flinch → totalitarianism
It just liked to be fed during a human famine.
asserted
It → like → famine
That cat was living large in a dark time.
asserted
cat → live → time
Does your cat want a greater say in how you live your life?
asserted
you → want → life
Your cat wants nothing except a clean litter box and salmon treats.
asserted
cat → want → box
Your cat descended from fluffy ancestors who T-boned human civilization about 10,000 years ago after realizing grain storage attracted mice.
asserted
storage → descend → mice
Your cat does not want to be your chief of staff or life coach.
asserted
cat → want → staff
I have two Bengal rescues.
asserted
I → have → rescues
I’d take a bullet for them.
asserted
I → take → them
But if my wife left me and I was thrust into the dating scene, I would not trust them to screen new girlfriends.
asserted
I → leave → girlfriends
I love my cats.
asserted
I → love → cats
But there is zero chance they are getting into Mensa.
asserted
they → be → Mensa
They jump on the newel post on the banister and do a circle chase as if their own tails are a mortal enemy.
asserted
tails → jump → chase
They recoil in horror upon seeing a cucumber or lint roller.
asserted
They → recoil → roller
They try to dive-bomb the flat screen because they think the goldfish on the Aquarium Channel are real fish swimming around the living room wall.
asserted
goldfish → try → wall
We are giving too much domestic power to our cats.
asserted
We → give → cats
“More than half of cat parents (53 per cent) would keep an ugly piece of furniture because their cat loves it.”
asserted
cat → keep → it
“Nearly one in three cat parents (32 per cent) would permanently give up their side of the bed and 27 per cent would give their cat its own bedroom.”
asserted
cent → give → bedroom
“Gen Z cat parents are also more likely than older generations to ask for their cat’s opinion (45 per cent vs. 28 per cent), lower the volume to avoid waking them (35 per cent vs. 20 per cent) and check on them by camera while away (31 per cent vs. 20 per cent).”
asserted
parents → ask → cent
…and 8 more, not listed.
The Aporia
