When 18-year-old Gabriella Cilmi saw herself on the cover of FHM – wearing a push-up bra, suspenders and a come-hither look – she burst into tears.
asserted
she → see → tears
The singer-songwriter, who had already turned down an offer to pose for the men’s magazine at 16, had instead dreamt of being interviewed by Rolling Stone.
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who → turn → Stone
Hailing from the Melbourne suburb of Dandenong, Cilmi was discovered at 10, signed at 13 and had a worldwide hit at 16 with Sweet About Me.
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Cilmi → hail → Me
The song topped the charts in Australia, the Netherlands and Norway while cracking the top 10 in 11 other countries, including the UK.
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song → top → UK
This was followed by a platinum-certified album, Lessons to Be Learned, and six ARIA Awards in 2008.
asserted
This → follow → 2008
The pressure to repeat this success was immense – and the music industry offered no shortage of advice.
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industry → repeat → advice
Cilmi was discouraged from playing instruments “because that’s not what girls do”.
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girls → discourage → what
Her parents were told, “Your daughter may be special now, but she won’t be once she’s older.”
uncertain
she → tell → ?
Some people ordered her to smile more while others criticised her for smiling too much.
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others → order → her
At a gig in New York, she was called “chubby”.
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she → call → York
Not long after, she was informed that her sophomore album, Ten, would be an electro-dance record.
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album → inform → ?
(Never mind that she preferred blues, rock and soul, having idolised Janis Joplin, Suzi Quatro and Nina Simone.)
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she → mind → Joplin
This necessitated a makeover, and she was urged to do the FHM pictorial.
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she → necessitate → pictorial
“I was told, ‘You’re 18 now, you’re a woman, you’re sexy and you’re confident’,” says Cilmi via Zoom from her home in England, where she lives with her partner and musical collaborator, DM Arthur.
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she → tell → partner
On the cover of Ten, Cilmi is reclining in an orange bra, her hair artfully tousled.
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hair → recline → bra
“I initially set out to do something very different,” she explains.
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she → set → something
“Then all of a sudden, I’m doing choreography even though I’ve got two left feet, and I’m portraying this kind of sexy robot persona, which didn’t feel like me.
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which → do → me
Although there are some great songs on that record – and I loved how the drag community embraced it – I was really depressed and lost.
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I → be → it
I was trying to please other people around me; I was afraid that if I didn’t go along with it, I wouldn’t have a career any more.”
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I → try → career
“It felt like it had been manipulated by other people around me to the point where I didn’t know who I was.”Gabriella Cilmi
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I → feel → point
In 2013, Cilmi made her first independent album, The Sting.
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Cilmi → make → album
Although she continued creating music, she did not record another album until the soon-to-be-released Pure Love.
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she → continue → Love
“I think I was running away from my name,” says the 34-year-old.
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old → think → name
“I’d take meetings with people who had preconceived notions of who I am, and they had one box they thought I fit in.”
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I → take → box
She had a moment of clarity when she saw a video of herself, aged 12, belting out Jumpin’ Jack Flash at the Festa Della Madonna, a Catholic celebration.
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herself → have → Madonna
“I was singing my little heart out, stomping my feet, just giving it my all,” she says.
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she → sing → all
It made a big impression on her partner, too.
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It → make → partner
When the video ended, he turned to Cilmi and encouraged her to channel this passion into her new album.
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he → end → album
“Just do it,” he told her.
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he → do → her
“You have this in you.”
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You → have → you
At that moment, everything fell into place.
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everything → fall → place
“All of a sudden, I had a vision for this record,” Cilmi says.
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Cilmi → have → record
“I was feeling lost and that was a moment where I felt like I was found again.
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I → feel → ?
As cheesy as it sounds, it was like I’d gotten to the truth of what my purpose was.
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purpose → sound → truth
It had been so tainted – and it felt like it had been manipulated by other people around me to the point where I didn’t know who I was – and this just brought me back to myself.”
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this → taint → myself
As a young girl, Cilmi spoke her parents’ Italian dialects at home while learning standard Italian at school.
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Cilmi → speak → school
It was a happy childhood but when she was eight, her mother’s cancer diagnosis turned her world upside down.
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diagnosis → turn → world
“I was hyper-aware of life and death because my mum went through chemo,” she says.
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she → go → chemo
“Thankfully, she’s been in remission for many years but I think that’s where my OCD [obsessive-compulsive disorder] came from.
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OCD → think → where
I believed that if I put all my shoes in a straight line, she would be well.
asserted
she → believe → line
…and 24 more, not listed.
The Aporia
