Several times a month, someone will get in touch with me to ask a question that’s almost impossible to answer.
asserted
that → get → question
Sometimes they do it in person, furtively, having first invited me for a coffee to ‘pick my brain’.
Other times they appear in my WhatsApp in the early hours of the morning, desperate and despairing.
asserted
they → do → morning
Often they come via my Instagram inbox, strangers at their wits’ end, with nowhere else to go but the social media account of a woman who has publicly admitted she’s an alcoholic.
asserted
she → come → woman
All of these people want to know the same thing: how do you get someone you love to realise they have a problem with alcohol, and stop them from drinking so much?
asserted
they → want → much
My heart sinks every time I see a message like this.
asserted
I → sink → this
Not just because I feel for anyone whose life is being impacted by another person’s addiction, but also because I know I can’t give them the answer they want.
asserted
they → feel → answer
What they want, quite understandably, is a fail-safe route to get their loved one to sobriety, or at least learn to moderate.
asserted
one → want → sobriety
They want to hear about a doctor or a rehab centre that will save them, a thing they can say that will make their partner or child realise the damage they are doing.
asserted
they → want → damage
What they don’t want is the only real answer I can give them, which is: nothing.
asserted
which → want → them
There’s nothing you can do to get someone to realise they have a problem with alcohol, or to stop them from drinking it.
asserted
they → ’ → it
I wish more people knew that having a break from alcohol doesn’t teach you moderation or prove you’re not an alcoholic, writes Bryony Gordon
I mention this not to make anyone feel worse, but because it’s Sober October, that time of year where sobriety gets spoken about as a healthy lifestyle choice, rather than the fiendishly difficult matter of life-and-death it is for the hundreds and thousands of adults who are alcohol dependent (the most recent statistics for England, from 2020, put the figure at just over 600,000).
asserted
statistics → wish → 600,000
Already, I’ve seen umpteen Instagram posts and articles about the benefits of a few weeks off drinking, and how to push through cravings for that nightly glass of wine.
asserted
I → see → wine
And while I never want to undermine efforts to lower alcohol consumption, I do think it’s important to say that a lot of advice pushed at this time of year does little to help people with a serious drink problem.
asserted
lot → want → problem
Certainly, it doesn’t help their families and friends, who are left scratching their heads come November, when they see that a month off booze has done little to change how their beloved drinks.
asserted
beloved → help → little
I wish more people knew that having a break from alcohol doesn’t teach you moderation or prove you’re not an alcoholic; I could go weeks without drinking, but as soon as booze touched my lips, I picked up exactly where I left off.
uncertain
I → wish → lips
We’re forever looking for ways to reset our relationship with booze, aren’t we?
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we → look → booze
Everything short of just admitting it’s a dangerous drug that costs the NHS about £3.5billion a year.
asserted
that → admit → 3.5billion
Indeed, it was revealed this week that Buckingham Palace has run alcohol awareness courses for its staff.
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Palace → reveal → staff
It comes after a drunk staff member was arrested during a boozy Christmas gathering two years ago.
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member → come → gathering
The sessions included ‘raising awareness of mindful drinking’ and how to help someone who is drinking too much.
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who → include → much
I wish the latter session was taught far and wide, because when it comes to dealing with alcoholics, we get a lot wrong.
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lot → wish → alcoholics
Many people make the mistake of believing they need to stage an intervention, in the hope it might at least make the problem drinker in their life cut down.
uncertain
drinker → make → life
Of course, there will absolutely be situations where this is necessary – if you’re dealing with a parent whose drinking is putting the children in danger, for example – but mostly, interventions just make things ten times worse.
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things → deal → example
I remember a friend pulling me up on my drinking after a horrific night where I was mugged while in blackout.
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I → remember → blackout
Did it stop me from drinking?
asserted
it → stop → me
All it did was stop me from drinking with her.
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it → do → her
It was the same with anyone who tried to raise the subject of alcohol with me – I’d cut them off, and then numb the bitter resentment I felt towards them with more booze.
asserted
I → try → booze
Does this mean you shouldn’t say something to someone who is drinking too much?
asserted
who → mean → much
But what it does mean is that you shouldn’t assume an intervention will bring someone to their senses.
asserted
intervention → mean → senses
In fact, the glaring truth of it might actually send them even further into the denial that is a tell-tale sign of alcoholism.
uncertain
that → send → alcoholism
Nor do you have to put up with someone’s drinking: all you have to do is accept that it’s not in your gift to change it (and that it’s absolutely not your fault).
asserted
it → have → it
Alcoholism is a disease that doesn’t respond to consequences or ultimatums, unfortunately.
asserted
that → respond → consequences
If it did, there wouldn’t be the need for rehab centres or 12-step programmes, which addicts continue to attend many years after getting clean and sober.
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addicts → do → which
Addiction is senseless and devious, and it’s important to remember you’re dealing with that, not the once-loving human you married or gave birth to.
asserted
you → ’ → birth
Trying to meet madness with logic may be tempting, but it rarely works.
uncertain
it → try → logic
And the well-meaning act of trying to save someone often just prevents them from getting to the crucial point that is realising only you can save yourself.
asserted
you → mean → yourself
My parents and husband couldn’t get me sober and nor will they keep me sober; only I can do that.
asserted
I → get → that
There are, of course, things you can do to make it easier for someone who has committed to giving up alcohol: remove booze from the house, don’t drink in front of them, encourage them to eat three square meals a day and go to 12-step meetings (and did you know there are meetings for the family members of alcoholics?
asserted
you → be → alcoholics
They’re called Al-Anon).
asserted
They → call → ?
In the end, I tell the people who contact me the same thing: make your boundaries clear, stick to those boundaries, but most of all focus on protecting yourself.
asserted
boundaries → tell → yourself
…and 17 more, not listed.
The Aporia
