SPOILER ALERT... The Celebrity Traitors (BBC1)
Rating: Five out of five stars
High fashion and even higher kitsch were on display as, with dazzling Gothic melodrama, The Celebrity Traitors commandeered a Scottish chapel for the launch of its most thrilling and inventive series yet.
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Traitors → commandeer → series
The sheer effrontery of the opening scene was enough to make you laugh out loud and then gasp with delight, as the 21 victims – many of them household names – lined up on pews for a mock funeral.
Love Island presenter Maya Jama wore high heels and the world's most expensive pac-a-mac.
Comedian Joe Lycett sported shorts with lilac socks and a matching feather collar.
Even actor Michael Sheen, usually so scruffy that any hobo would be embarrassed to be seen with him, was wearing a suit.
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hobo → open → suit
But as a wooden coffin was carried in by masked figures and placed upright by the altar, all of them were upstaged by the apparition that emerged.
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that → carry → apparition
'Wowwww!' croaked model Jerry Hall, as the casket doors swung back, to reveal host Claudia Winkleman all in black with a frothing white ruff – like the Bride of Frankenstein arriving for a business conference.
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doors → croak → conference
'That was quite the nap,' Claudia declared, putting a tag line to the most impressive entrance since Bette Davis arrived at a party announcing, 'Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night.'
Dazzling.
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it → declare → seatbelts
it's only episode one and Traitors fever has me howling at the moon!
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me → have → moon
CHRISTOPHER STEVENS reviews the return of The Celebrity Traitors
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STEVENS → review → Traitors
A glance at the cast list tells us how far Strictly has been left behind – top newsreader Amol Rajan, super-thesp Richard E Grant, musician James Blunt, national treasure Miranda Hart and many more
It was Maya Jama and Richard E Grant who were chosen as the first two Traitors as the series kicked off
The confidence of the staging, the sure-footed choreography, the unfeigned excitement of the celebs, it all emphasised that The Celebrity Traitors is now the BBC's flagship show.
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Traitors → tell → celebs
A glance at the cast list tells us how far Strictly has been left behind – top newsreader Amol Rajan, super-thesp Richard E Grant, musician James Blunt, national treasure Miranda Hart and many more.
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Rajan → tell → us
Compare that to the line-up of unknowns on Strictly and it's obvious why Claudia ditched her old gig, now declaring this to be 'my favourite game'.
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this → compare → gig
And the gameplay started immediately, as the rivals were told to pick one person to replace Claudia in the coffin.
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rivals → start → coffin
Previous series have begun with an immediate elimination, but only Joe was quick enough to realise that the person they nominated might be going straight home.
uncertain
they → begin → elimination
Former Corrie actress Julie Hesmondhalgh was chosen, and looked bereft to be on the brink of excommunication.
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Hesmondhalgh → choose → excommunication
Hopelessly starstruck by the A-listers around her, she'd barely had a chance to introduce herself – though she did gallop up to American actress Myha'la and whisper, 'I'm such a big fan, I've just watched all of Industry!'
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I → starstruck → Industry
Instead of being dispatched, Julie was rewarded with immunity from the first round of 'murders' and was able to nominate her new pal Joe for the same privilege.
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Julie → dispatch → privilege
A few players are secretly picked by Claudia to be the assassins, or 'Traitors', and the others – the 'Faithful' – have to ferret them out or else be bumped off, one by one.
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others → pick → one
The rules might be straightforward but the social complexities are mind-boggling.
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complexities → boggle → ?
Everyone is trying to convince everyone else of their innate truthfulness, while suspecting everybody of lying.
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Everyone → try → lying
The paranoia is intensified by the fact that last year's series was a national sensation.
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series → intensify → fact
There can't be anyone in showbiz who isn't acutely aware of what to expect, and several of them were ready with their best lines pre-written.
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lines → expect → them
Miranda declared herself to be, 'Miss Marple, psychological sleuth.'
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herself → declare → ?
Jerry purred, 'Beneath this dumb blonde lies a smart brunette,' and promised that she wouldn't let herself be ousted until she'd worn 'all my fabulous outfits'.
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she → purr → outfits
'Well, look,' Joe consoled her, 'if you go early, I can wear your outfits'.
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I → look → outfits
Meeting in the turret for the first time, Maya and Richard were both equally shocked to see each other, especially after Richard's antics when he seemingly unveiled his status
It was a jam-packed mission as the celebrities fought to secure the prize money (pictured James Blunt and Myha'la)
Richard E. also ruined his public persona, as a man who cloaks his formidable intelligence in cool insouciance
The episode ended with a cliffhanger ending with either Amol Rajan or James Acaster lying in coffins - one will become a traitor and the other will be murdered
So far, we've seen little of Michael, Myha'la or Miranda, which might be an indication that there's much more of them in future episodes.
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which → meet → episodes
Comedian Romesh Ranganathan also seemed impressively composed, though it's rare to see him on screen without his mum.
EastEnders star Ross Kemp, who arrived boasting of his ability to face down gangland bosses, was jumping at shadows.
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who → seem → shadows
When Bella Ramsey, the non-binary star of apocalyptic horror series The Last Of Us, playfully put a hat on Ross's bald bonce, he became convinced Bella was a Traitor who had just sealed his doom 'in plain sight'.
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who → put → sight
'Did you just kill me?' he yelped.
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he → kill → me
He was remembering how last year's winner Alan Carr betrayed his friend Paloma Faith by stroking her face on camera – sending a secret signal for her elimination.
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Carr → remember → elimination
In fact, Bella was just mucking around.
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Bella → muck → fact
The hat meant nothing at all.
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hat → mean → nothing
But Ross's image as a fearless hard man, cultivated over decades, was blown to smithereens.
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image → cultivate → smithereens
Richard E. also ruined his public persona, as a man who cloaks his formidable intelligence in cool insouciance.
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who → ruin → insouciance
By the time the players arrived at Claudia's Highland castle, he was bubbling over with gleeful anticipation.
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he → arrive → anticipation
'If I was lucky enough to be a traitor, that would be one of my dreams come true,' he burbled to comedian Rob Beckett, bouncing so much that he spilled his orange juice cocktail.
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he → come → cocktail
He repeated his plea to Claudia and was duly rewarded.
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He → repeat → Claudia
At the first round-table gathering, where everyone donned blindfolds, the presenter stalked in circles, stamping her feet occasionally like a vampire doing flamenco, and marked out two people with touches on the shoulder – Richard and Maya.
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presenter → don → shoulder
Minutes later, over drinks, Joe told Richard: 'I'm a Faithful – what are you?'
And with a shudder of irrepressible excitement, Richard answered: 'Traitor!'
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Richard → tell → Traitor
He immediately tried to pretend this was an ironic joke.
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this → try → ?
But Joe, fast emerging as one of the game's more incisive players, recognised it as a double-bluff, a confession disguised as a joke... and wasted no time in denouncing him to the rest of the players.
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Joe → emerge → players
By the time Richard met his co-Traitor at midnight in the castle turret, his chances of survival looked as dead as Count Dracula on a bed of garlic, under a sun lamp, with a cluster of wooden stakes through every organ.
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chances → meet → organ
…and 13 more, not listed.
The Aporia
