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In her latest book, "Narratives: Let Go of the Stories That Keep You Stuck" (to be published Nov. 3 by New Harbinger Publications), psychotherapist Nancy Colier writes about how the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves can hold us back from living a more truthful and connected life.
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we → let → life
Legend has it that Harry Houdini failed at only one publicly performed escape attempt.
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Houdini → have → attempt
As the story goes, Houdini accepted an invitation to escape a maximum-security jail cell, in order to display and prove his skills.
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Houdini → go → skills
But despite working all his lock-picking magic for hours, he simply couldn't get it to open.
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it → work → hours
Defeated and exhausted, he collapsed against the cell door only to discover that it swung open on its own.
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it → defeat → own
Turns out, it was never locked in the first place.
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it → turn → place
The only place the door was locked was inside his mind; he was a prisoner only in his story of imprisonment.
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he → lock → imprisonment
All too often it's not life that imprisons us, but the stories we tell ourselves—about our life.
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we → imprison → life
And so begins our story…
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story → begin → ?
My friend Francesca was incensed.
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friend → incense → ?
She'd been invited to be a bridesmaid at her friend's destination wedding in the Bahamas.
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She → invite → Bahamas
In the story she told me, the bride had only asked her to be a bridesmaid because she assumed that Francesca would never get married herself.
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Francesca → tell → her
And, because she couldn't possibly have other plans and therefore could just slip off for a four-day trip to the Bahamas at the drop of a hat—with only nine months' notice
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she → have → notice
In my friend's narrative, the invitation to be a bridesmaid in the Bahamas was insulting and humiliating; the bride obviously thought she was pathetic, and was "throwing her a bone."
A few days later, I was eavesdropping at my local diner—my favorite laboratory for human behavior.
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I → insult → behavior
At the next table, a couple in their midforties were chatting about a movie they'd just seen.
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they → chat → movie
As the waiter zoomed by without stopping, the man became visibly agitated.
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man → zoom → ?
I heard him tell his partner that it was the third time the waiter had "ignored" him and that if he were "a somebody who people respected," then they would already be enjoying their burgers.
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they → hear → burgers
When the server finally did arrive, sweat bubbling above his lip, I heard this man aggressively asserting that the young man should be less obvious about whom he deems important enough to serve.
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he → arrive → lip
My dining neighbor was just a normal person doing what normal people do, creating a story and crafting meaning.
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people → din → meaning
But the particular meaning we make—the specific story we tell ourselves—this is our personal narrative and, more than anything else, what determines our reality.
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what → make → reality
Just this morning, I was late to meet a colleague because I unexpectedly had to take my daughter to the doctor.
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I → meet → doctor
Not long into our meeting, my colleague made a comment about not being able to rely on anyone and always having to take care of herself.
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colleague → make → herself
When I asked her what she meant by that, she brought up the fact that I'd been late despite our having twice confirmed the time.
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our → ask → time
I had been late, that part was true, but she'd also never asked why or inquired about what happened on my end.
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what → ask → end
And ironically, she'd told me many times that I was someone she could count on, and how much she appreciated that aspect of our relationship.
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she → tell → relationship
In the nine minutes she'd been waiting for me to arrive that day, she'd written a comprehensive story that used my tardiness as an endorsement for her preexisting narrative.
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that → wait → narrative
Needless to say, this compelled me to get home and keep writing this book.
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this → say → book
One World … Billions of Universes
Everyone we know (including ourselves) is walking around with a personal movie playing inside their head—a movie they're fully absorbed in and believe is real.
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they → know → head
If that weren't strange enough, we're also all assuming that our movie is the same movie everyone else is watching, and the only one showing.
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everyone → assume → ?
Unfortunately, we're all thinking the same thing.
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we → think → thing
Usually, the only thing that's the same in all our movies is the person playing the main character.
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that → play → character
Do I like it or not?
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I → like → it
Does it bring me pleasure or pain, serve me or harm me?
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it → bring → me
Boiled down, this is what we want to know.
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we → boil → what
Our narrator writes her story from a first-person POV and creates a world in which everything reflects, relates to, and, ultimately, is about us.
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everything → write → us
Not because we're all raging narcissists, but because under our stories lies a basic drive to do two things: create meaning and survive.
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drive → rag → meaning
Our stories, in one way or another, are always trying to make it possible for us to survive as a distinct and identifiable self.
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us → try → self
From the cradle to the grave, we're weaving our perceptions into a cohesive personal storyline.
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we → weave → storyline
We create a plotline that makes sense of reality and makes the world feel knowable.
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world → create → reality
…and 13 more, not listed.
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