Just as the Greens were going the full goose-step in Brighton, here in Birmingham the Conservatives were listening to a chin-stroker of a speech about Schopenhauer.
asserted
Conservatives → go → Schopenhauer
He’s not a footballer.
asserted
He → ’ → ?
Matthew Syed, sometime England ping-pong ace and now composer of think-pieces for the Sunday Times, argued that Kemi Badenoch’s tough love on welfare spongers was in line with Schopenhauer’s theory of compassion.
asserted
love → argue → compassion
We all nodded like connoisseurs even if we hadn’t a clue what he was on about.
asserted
he → nod → what
In recent years, Syed continued, the word ‘emergency’ had been devalued by concept creep.
asserted
emergency → continue → creep
We now had a society in which sadness was called ‘depression’ and a hard week was ‘trauma’.
asserted
week → have → which
Kemi understood that bailouts and welfare payments were ‘taking us inexorably to bankruptcy’ and he suspected voters would agree.
asserted
voters → understand → bankruptcy
Schopenhauer, the father of German pessimism, might have twitched at such positivity.
uncertain
Schopenhauer → twitch → positivity
Mrs Badenoch stepped on stage to make a short speech.
asserted
Badenoch → step → speech
She entered to a low, Jaws-style chord.
asserted
She → enter → chord
The activists, maybe 500, jolted to their feet in fright and gave an ovation to this tiny figure in a trousersuit.
asserted
activists → jolt → trousersuit
It was the same powdery blue that Grayson Perry paints his eyelids.
asserted
Perry → paint → eyelids
The day started with a Badenoch interview on BBC1’s Kuenssberg show.
asserted
day → start → show
For this the Tory leader wore a Scotland rugby jersey.
asserted
leader → wear → jersey
Dame Penny Mordaunt was on Kuenssberg’s studio panel and may have caused disappointment to BBC producers by enthusing about Mrs Badenoch.
uncertain
Mordaunt → cause → Badenoch
We learned that Dame Penny had been admitted to the parliamentary candidates’ list.
asserted
Penny → learn → list
Kuenssberg muttered that she was being nice about Kemi only because she was after a seat.
asserted
she → mutter → seat
The other hot news: Mrs Badenoch had written a pamphlet, more correctly a jeremiad, entitled The Right Way.
asserted
Badenoch → write → pamphlet
Lucy Powell will never get through it.
asserted
Powell → get → it
Alex Burghart, effectively deputy leader of the Tories, told the audience: ‘Grab a copy.
asserted
Burghart → tell → copy
It’s important.’
asserted
It → ’ → ?
Deft pause, then, with a note of torturer’s menace: ‘Kemi will ask you questions about it.’
asserted
Kemi → ask → it
They are all slightly terrified of her.
asserted
They → terrify → her
Stage technicians wheeled on a special, low-slung lectern for her.
asserted
technicians → wheel → her
For all the terror, she actually did an unusual amount of smiling.
asserted
she → do → smiling
She has so many gleaming teeth, you wonder if she pinched some from Zack Polanski.
asserted
she → have → Polanski
Tory leader Kemi Badenoch arrives to deliver her opening speech on the first day of the Conservative Party conference in Birmingham yesterday
asserted
Badenoch → arrive → Birmingham
Efforts are being made to create geniality.
asserted
Efforts → make → geniality
The stage has a drum kit on it.
asserted
stage → have → it
Dear lord, please tell us we’re not going to have a Katie Lam punk-rock concert.
asserted
we → tell → concert
The exhibition hall has a museum viewing room containing an 88ft mock-up of the Bayeux Tapestry.
asserted
hall → have → Tapestry
It shows the south coast being invaded by small boats, King Keir handing bags of gold to trade union barons, new King Andy sewing an EU flag and Chancellor Healey firing tax arrows into the eyes of British yeomen.
asserted
Healey → show → yeomen
They would not have tried that in Eric Pickles’ heyday.
asserted
They → try → heyday
But not all the informality is going smoothly.
asserted
informality → go → ?
Mr Burghart essayed small-talk with Shadow Welsh Secretary Mims Davies, who is English, and noted that she married a Welshman.
asserted
she → essay → Welshman
Mrs Davies: ‘Er, that didn’t go so well.’
asserted
that → go → ?
They divorced in 2017.
asserted
They → divorce → 2017
Could Mrs Badenoch show more generosity to her rivals sometimes?
uncertain
Badenoch → show → rivals
When Laura Kuenssberg asked her about physical attacks on politicians, Kemi could have said something warm about Nigel Farage and the horrible threats he has faced.
uncertain
he → ask → Farage
She could have shown compassion – of the modern sort, not Schopenhauer’s – and it would not have cost her a groat.
uncertain
it → show → groat
…and 4 more, not listed.
The Aporia
