Shadow farming minister Victoria Atkins started hyperventilating and making noises like a piglet: Jeremy Clarkson was about to arrive.
‘It’s so amazing, it really is!’ she squealed.
asserted
she → hyperventilate → piglet
On lumbered Clarkson in, miraculously, a suit.
asserted
suit → lumber → ?
Miss Atkins flung herself at him.
asserted
Atkins → fling → him
For a moment I thought I was watching Aussie rules football.
asserted
I → think → football
This gathering of middle-management worriers finally had a star in its midst.
asserted
gathering → have → midst
In Iain Duncan Smith’s days as leader the Tories had to make do with Jim Davidson and Rick Wakeman for celebrities.
asserted
Tories → have → celebrities
With the Birmingham Symphony Hall far from full, his first words were: ‘I see a lot of people have come dressed as seats.’
asserted
lot → see → seats
The organisers had kept his appearance a secret, presumably for surprise value.
asserted
organisers → keep → value
Or did they fear he might change his mind at the last minute?
uncertain
he → fear → minute
Farmer and pub owner Clarkson took a while to warm up but eventually coughed up the goods, describing the hideous financial effects of Labour’s national insurance whack.
asserted
Clarkson → take → whack
He was thinking of opening a second pub but not in Britain.
asserted
He → think → Britain
‘Why would anyone set up a business right now in this country?’
asserted
anyone → set → country
There was a swipe at West Oxfordshire district council’s planning committee – such low IQs, he was surprised they could tie their shoelaces – and banter about that government minister who suggested that owning black labradors and drinking ale in a country pub was racist.
uncertain
owning → be → pub
Clarkson’s own dogs were fox-red labs and he drank lager, so ‘I’m living, breathing socialism’.
asserted
I → drink → socialism
In Iain Duncan Smith’s days as leader the Tories had to make do with Jim Davidson and Rick Wakeman for celebrities.
asserted
Tories → have → celebrities
Clarkson was a Grade A catch
He made the activists laugh.
asserted
activists → make → ?
More than that, he assured them they are not political lepers.
asserted
they → assure → them
He brought a chink of mainstream light to a conference that has been heroically dull.
asserted
that → bring → conference
With his anecdotes about Cotswold farm life, about a pond he had dug, and the grebes and newts that visited it, he raised the Tories’ snouts out of the policy documents and transported them to the world where otters swim and bees suck and the human spirit can fly if it is allowed enough freedom by damn politicians.
asserted
it → dig → politicians
For years Tory conferences were gothic blood-curdlers riddled by plotting and incident.
asserted
conferences → riddle → plotting
My, what prosaic solemnity reigns.
asserted
solemnity → reign → ?
In the fringe meetings and stage events you are hit by earnest (depressing) presentations from pollsters and think-tank droners with their endless analysis of data.
asserted
you → hit → data
It’s almost Blairite, yet Right-wing.
asserted
It → ’ → ?
A business panel made sensible but fantastically boring points about over-regulation and over-taxation.
asserted
panel → make → regulation
The one moment of surreal interest came when an entrepreneur with a facelift claimed that visiting her local Waitrose was like going to ‘the Wild West’.
asserted
visiting → come → West
Andrew Griffith, the new Shadow Chancellor, gave an admirably low-tax speech.
asserted
Griffith → give → speech
His delivery was a little peculiar, mind you.
asserted
delivery → mind → you
He kept trying to tickle applause from the audience by doing tickle gestures with his fingertips.
asserted
He → keep → fingertips
Mr Griffith is a Thatcherite City geezer with a high voice and trendy spectacles that create a horizontal bar on his hairless head.
asserted
that → create → head
At first glance he is Gregg Wallace without the dimples (or, thank goodness, the complications).
asserted
he → thank → dimples
He went quite a long way in criticising recent Tory governments.
asserted
He → go → governments
‘For too long we failed to make our case’ and ‘we were divided and lost touch with our principles’.
asserted
we → fail → principles
He obviously knows how to read a balance sheet.
asserted
He → know → sheet
This was never evident with Rachel Reeves and may not apply to John Healey.
uncertain
This → apply → Healey
But his public-speaking style needs more bottom.
asserted
style → speak → bottom
A lectern would have helped.
asserted
lectern → help → ?
This feels like a party still very much up in democracy’s dry dock.
asserted
This → feel → dock
Although the policies are sensible and the intentions seem honourable, the throb of power is absent and attendance is slight.
asserted
attendance → seem → power
Mrs Badenoch is the great hope but even the most acrobatic water-skier cannot pull the speedboat.
asserted
skier → pull → speedboat
READ MORE
- 'Why would anyone start a business in the UK now?'
asserted
anyone → read → UK
…and 4 more, not listed.
The Aporia
