When you said yes to dinner at that new sushi place last week, it sounded like a great idea.
asserted
it → say → idea
Now that the agreed-upon day has arrived, you’re exhausted, and the prospect of putting on real pants and traveling across town feels like the least appealing way to spend your evening.
asserted
prospect → agree → evening
You want to see your friend, but you’d rather lounge on the couch.
asserted
you → want → couch
Yet before you send a cancellation text, consider a smaller proposition: Could dinner become a 20-minute walk?
uncertain
dinner → send → proposition
Could your friend come over for takeout?
uncertain
friend → come → takeout
Could you catch up in the clothes you’re already wearing, without making “getting ready” a production?
uncertain
you → catch → clothes
Jana Rundle, a clinical psychologist in Austin, regularly helps her clients make these adjustments.
asserted
clients → help → adjustments
When people are overwhelmed, she says, they tend to think they either have to follow through on a planned elaborate outing or skip it altogether.
asserted
they → overwhelm → it
Shrinking the plan gives them another option.
asserted
Shrinking → shrink → option
“Let’s identify what’s hard about this and solve that problem so we can still get the connection we need,” she says.
asserted
she → identify → connection
“The goal is just to get together.”
asserted
goal → get → ?
Here’s how scaling back can help you reap the benefits of socialization—and how to make sure you have ample energy for your next plan.
asserted
you → ’ → plan
Why shrinking your plans can help your friendships
asserted
shrinking → shrink → friendships
Having time to see someone isn’t the same as having the energy.
asserted
Having → have → energy
That distinction is central to a model of social relationships co-developed by Katherine Fiori, a professor and associate dean for foundational psychology and faculty involvement at Adelphi University in Garden City, N.Y.
asserted
distinction → co → City
The model considers time and energy separate resources people invest in their connections.
asserted
people → consider → connections
You might have two free hours, for example, but feel depleted by everything involved in using them: getting ready, traveling, making conversation with people you barely know.
uncertain
you → have → people
Spending time with a close friend can require less effort, Fiori says, because there’s less pressure to present a polished version of yourself.
asserted
Fiori → spend → yourself
The person who’s known you for years probably doesn’t need you to be dazzling over appetizers.
asserted
you → know → appetizers
Making a plan less demanding can help you follow through on a night when you’d otherwise cancel.
asserted
you → make → night
When you bail on something that feels overwhelming, the immediate relief can reinforce the habit, says Shannon Sauer-Zavala, a professor of psychology at the University of Kentucky.
asserted
Zavala → bail → Kentucky
The next time you feel stretched thin, you’ll be more inclined to do it again.
asserted
you → stretch → it
Over time, you can start to believe you’re only capable of socializing when you feel your best.
asserted
you → start → socializing
You’ll also miss opportunities to discover that seeing someone was more enjoyable—and probably less taxing—than you anticipated.
asserted
you → miss → someone
A manageable get-together gives you a chance to find out you’re up for more than you thought.
asserted
you → give → more
And sometimes, Fiori says, the connection supplies some of the energy you thought you were missing: “You can actually get some of that energy back, in a way.”
asserted
You → say → way
Figure out what makes social plans feel overwhelming
Rundle suggests a quick thought experiment: Imagine the outing lasted 20 minutes, was easy to get to, and went smoothly.
uncertain
outing → figure → experiment
Would you want to go?
asserted
you → want → ?
If that sounds lovely, the problem may be the logistics surrounding the visit.
uncertain
problem → sound → visit
“Is it the commute to get there?
asserted
it → get → ?
Is it the cleaning and cooking you would have to do if you were hosting?” she says.
asserted
she → have → ?
Once you know what’s making a plan feel overwhelming, you can suggest a change that takes some of the pressure off, like meeting halfway to cut down on the drive or ordering pizza so you don’t have to cook.
asserted
you → know → pizza
If you’re dreading getting dressed up, propose something you can do in sweatpants.
asserted
you → dread → sweatpants
For Rundle’s clients, who are often dealing with new motherhood, a stroller walk can feel much more feasible than a fancy dinner.
asserted
walk → deal → dinner
There are also ways to fit time with friends into things you already need to do.
asserted
you → be → things
Fiori likes the idea of “admin nights,” when people gather with their laptops to tackle the tasks they’ve been putting off.
asserted
they → like → tasks
Normally, those chores eat into the time and energy available for socializing.
asserted
chores → eat → socializing
“To be able to combine those is kind of brilliant,” she says.
asserted
she → combine → those
You can pay bills or unsubscribe from emails with someone beside you to talk and joke with, making an otherwise tedious evening more pleasant.
asserted
evening → pay → you
These smaller get-togethers can be especially useful for keeping up with friends you already know well, Rundle says.
asserted
Rundle → keep → friends
…and 23 more, not listed.
The Aporia
