Then that gave way to the crappuccino – a chameleon-like, caramel-spiked, pumpkin-spiced, hyper-blended atrocity-in-a-keep-cup.
asserted
that → give → cup
OK, I made that last one up, but I’m sure someone in Sydney would happily order it and pay a small fortune for it.
asserted
someone → make → it
All that came before the World Meteorological Organisation predicted a strong El Nino event this summer, which is expected to play havoc with cocoa, coffee and vanilla crops in coffee-producing nations such as Brazil and Vietnam, where local growers are already struggling with higher temperatures and reduced rainfall.
asserted
growers → come → temperatures
So Australian coffee drinkers can soon look forward to sampling the El Ninoccino, a nice warm cup of absolutely nothing that’s the inevitable result of export bans, energy price spikes and the rising cost of fertiliser and fuel, driven by conflict in the Middle East.
asserted
that → look → East
For forlorn caffeine aficionados recently released from the bonds of credit card machine surcharge enslavement, the sudden emergence of the El Ninoccino is the latest blow to a coffee scene which, much like the solar system, keeps expanding at the edges for reasons no one can quite fathom.
asserted
one → release → reasons
It’s fancy.
asserted
It → ’ → ?
It’s annoyingly complex.
asserted
It → ’ → ?
It requires money and choices and a Bruno Mars soundtrack.
asserted
It → require → money
It’s possible, of course, that the creation of the El Ninoccino is a negative feedback loop designed by the planet to maintain homeostasis.
asserted
creation → ’ → homeostasis
In short, when Mother Nature got jack of all the idiot amateur baristas polluting her Insta feed with their home-brewed double shot cookie dough skinny foam lattes, she forced them into extinction by making coffee beans a luxury item.
asserted
beans → get → extinction
It’s time for a return to first principles.
asserted
It → ’ → principles
Since we can’t change the weather, let’s work on the variables we do have control over.
asserted
we → change → control
It’s coffee, not a social history lesson or an earnest explanation about how five cents from every triple cortado sold by your inner-city local goes to supporting worker conditions on an obscure Bolivian plantation.
asserted
cents → ’ → plantation
Especially not when you’re expected to drink it alfresco, perched on a milk crate at 7am in winter.
asserted
you → expect → winter
Not grande or venti, and certainly not regular, which, as everyone knows, is really just code for “this is a size small in sheep’s clothing and will be charged at the same price as a medium”.
asserted
this → know → medium
All the frippery – weird-flavoured cream, foam, anything fluffy that isn’t milk – is banned.
asserted
that → ban → ?
And before everyone starts bleating about soy and almond and oat varietals, they can stay, OK?
asserted
they → start → varietals
We’re giving them a greasy side-eye and no one’s really that happy about it, but they’re allowed because dietaries and dairy intolerances and … good grief, you made your point.
asserted
you → give → point
Again, it’s coffee.
asserted
it → ’ → ?
If you’re thirsty and need a pick-me-up and it has to be cold, have a Coke. Or a Powerade. Or a slice of yesterday’s coffee cake.
asserted
it → ’re → cake
And lest we be accused of temperature bias, any customer who comes in bleating about “extra hot” qualifies for immediate expulsion from the premises.
asserted
who → accuse → premises
Coffee should only be served at one official temperature, and that’s a million bajillion degrees.
asserted
that → serve → temperature
If it’s not capable of reducing one’s tongue to molten lava five minutes after it hits the table, it’s time for a new machine or a faster waitress.
asserted
it → ’ → machine
This next one’s important, so lean in, would-be amateur barista social media influencers, because I’m talking directly into your annoying clip-on mics here.
asserted
I → ’ → mics
If a drink takes more than three ingredients and/or involves a specialist blender and/or requires a recipe to produce, it’s not coffee, it’s liquid tiramisu.
asserted
it → take → recipe
All the supporting infrastructure – the swizzle sticks, the straws, the slotted spoons – are as incidental to proceedings as that video you posted yesterday about the Shein top you thought you hated but you now think is so cute and are allegedly obsessed with.
uncertain
you → support → top
Speaking of things people think they want but don’t actually need, the list of prohibited coffee toppings includes (but is certainly not limited to) hundreds and thousands, weirdly oversized chocolate bits and anything that requires drizzling.
asserted
that → speak → drizzling
That brings us to the biggest sticking point of all: having freed ourselves from the shackles of unnecessary paraphernalia, how much does our defanged cup of coffee cost?
asserted
cup → bring → coffee
Who knows, but here is one guiding principle: if a second mortgage is in order before the bill can be settled, it’s too expensive.
asserted
it → know → order
If all else fails, there’s always instant coffee.
asserted
else → fail → ?
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asserted
that → get → own
The Aporia
