Depending on who you ask, critics such as myself are either totally irrelevant relics of the past like almanacs or sundials — Hollywood’s dream scenario — or snarling Godzillas who go around crushing poor, innocent movies to death with relish.
asserted
who → depend → relish
After some scathing reviews, Tom Cruise’s “Digger” became the flop heard ‘round the world.
asserted
Digger → become → world
Tom tanked so hard, his wreck is on track to be one of the biggest flops of all time.
asserted
wreck → tank → time
Much as I enjoy quoting myself, my favorite line actually came from my very reasonable pal David Rooney of the Hollywood Reporter.
asserted
line → enjoy → Reporter
“You watch in excruciating weariness as it disappears up its own ass and then realize to your dismay that there’s another eardrum-shattering hour left to endure,” wrote King Ghidorah, excuse me, David.
asserted
Ghidorah → watch → me
After the critiques dropped, “Digger”’s domestic box office projections dove off a cliff like Agent Ethan Hunt: $20 million (dire to begin with) slipped to $15 million to its eventual sad, sad $8 million.
asserted
million → drop → million
Even fellow failure “Masters of the Universe” opened to $29 million.
asserted
failure → open → million
Keep in mind that “Digger” — a message-heavy meta satire from the director of “Birdman” about an oil tycoon facing an environmental catastrophe — reportedly cost between $135 million and $180 million to make.
uncertain
Digger → keep → million
That’s a staggering budget for what it is.
asserted
it → ’ → ?
Even so, there is a palpable sense that Hollywood is shocked that critics would do this to Tom Cruise, who they tend to place nice with.
asserted
they → be → who
They’re even more flabbergasted that our kvetching worked.
asserted
kvetching → ’re → ?
Cruise should be critic-proof, they figure.
asserted
they → figure → ?
These days Herculean efforts are taken to circumvent the honest opinions of professional reviewers.
asserted
efforts → take → reviewers
The stars go film cute videos making pizzas at the New York Times.
asserted
stars → go → Times
They sit down on happy podcasts like “Good Hang with Amy Poehler” and “Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend” and chat for an hour about their childhoods and first jobs.
asserted
O’Brien → sit → childhoods
Most nauseatingly, my Page Six Hollywood colleague Tatiana Siegel reported that “Digger” had a special trailer launch event to butter up influencers.
asserted
Digger → report → influencers
Attendees got to pose for a professional photo with Cruise.
asserted
Attendees → get → Cruise
Naturally those freeloaders all think “Digger” is better than “The Godfather.”
asserted
Digger → think → Godfather
Tom and Co. did everything right to defang Manohla Dargis of the New York Times, Kyle Smith of the Wall Street Journal, Owen Gleiberman of Variety and David Erlich of IndieWire.
asserted
Tom → do → IndieWire
Those five very different critics all hated it.
asserted
critics → hat → it
Now, Hollywood is manically scrambling to fix the disaster — kinda like Digger does!
asserted
Digger → scramble → disaster
But that’s mission: impossible.
asserted
that → ’ → ?
Warner Bros. released a desperate new clip seizing on the movie’s divisiveness and imploring audiences to “decide for yourself.”
asserted
Bros. → release → yourself
The subtext being, “…since we weren’t able to decide for you.”
asserted
we → decide → you
And Anne Hathaway went on the cinephile website Letterboxd, and filed her first-ever review.
asserted
Hathaway → go → review
Soon you too can have a fourth-floor walkup with one cabinet.
asserted
you → have → cabinet
“I loved this brilliant movie,” the movie star wrote.
asserted
star → love → movie
“It’s worth making the time [to] see and decide for yourself what you make of it.
asserted
you → ’ → it
The notion of critics swaying public opinion is absolutely repulsive to these people.
asserted
critics → sway → people
Could Hathaway’s passion come from the fact that she’ll star with Cruise next year in “Days of Thunder 2”?
uncertain
she → come → Thunder
I wouldn’t dare suggest such a thing.
asserted
I → dare → thing
And oddly Jane Fonda jumped in the fight.
asserted
Fonda → jump → fight
“The film allows us to witness another side of Tom Cruise’s courage,” Fonda wrote about him on Instagram like he’s Nelson Mandela.
asserted
he → allow → Instagram
“It was a big, brave risk for him to take on this role and he was very good in it and very brave.”
asserted
he → take → it
Climbing the Burj Khalifa is brave.
asserted
Climbing → climb → Khalifa
Slapping on prosthetics and speaking in a hokey Texas accent in a film from the director of “The Revenant” is shameless Oscar hunting.
asserted
Slapping → slap → Revenant
Cruise is every bit as transparent about his hunger for a statuette (he’s never won an Academy Award) as Timothée Chalamet was during “Marty Supreme,” except people actually liked that movie and it made money.
asserted
it → win → money
Maybe he’ll manage a pity nomination as a gesture against the cranky critics — the industry coming together to rebuke the horrible monsters who spend years seeing, pondering and analyzing all of their work.
asserted
who → manage → work
But he won’t win.
asserted
he → win → ?
We’re not all bad, you know.
asserted
you → ’re → ?
…and 2 more, not listed.
The Aporia
