I guess the New York Jets didn’t get the memo.
asserted
Jets → guess → memo
This was supposed to be a Deshaun Watson lovefest kind of day.
asserted
This → suppose → day
A day where, much to the chagrin of those of us with a moral compass and a functional memory, football fans worldwide could declare Watson was “so back” and that the Browns were in some blinkered, alternate universe, a Super Bowl contender.
uncertain
Browns → declare → universe
No such luck, as the Browns looked like the Browns – reminding an otherwise jubilant city of Cleveland that they are trapped in the sports equivalent of the Backrooms.
asserted
they → look → Backrooms
Limping along for 155 passing yards and one touchdown, Watson fell to Earth harder than David Bowie in a Nicolas Roeg film (yes, I just watched the Dennis Miller Monday Night Football documentary on HBO).
asserted
I → limp → HBO
He completed fewer than 50% of his passes and ended the day with a 69.6 QBR.
asserted
He → complete → QBR
I should also probably mention he got sacked eight times.
asserted
he → mention → ?
He only completed seven more passes than he received punishing hits behind the line of scrimmage.
asserted
he → complete → scrimmage
It was a performance NBC NFL writer Patrick Daugherty called “unspeakably bad.”
asserted
Daugherty → call → ?
Actually, I think the performance was very much speakable, as I’ve demonstrated here.
asserted
I → think → ?
The thing that has defined Watson’s run as a potentially viable NFL quarterback has been his ability to march down the field and win a game in the dying embers of the contest.
asserted
that → define → contest
After three game-winning drives to start the season, it seemed like the Browns were poised to pull out another improbable victory from deep where the sun don’t shine, but no.
asserted
sun → win → deep
On 4th and 11 – with less than a minute left in the 4th quarter, down by five – Watson dropped back, only for his pocket to evaporate faster than a spilled Dasani in the middle of the Mojave Desert.
asserted
pocket → leave → Desert
Ejected violently from the pocket, Watson begins to scramble.
asserted
Watson → eject → pocket
He’s unceremoniously tackled near the line of scrimmage, putting the game on ice.
asserted
He → tackle → ice
Starting off Sunday, these seemed like two teams going in the opposite direction, but the reality on the field was more like the Spider-Man pointing meme.
asserted
reality → start → meme
Offensive ineptitude, with both the Jets and Browns recording fewer than 300 yards of total offense, giving away two fumbles, and failing to convert touchdowns twice in the red zone.
asserted
Jets → record → zone
The New York Post might have called this game “tense” and “gritty”, but I’m sure many viewers could think of more apropos adjectives to describe what they witnessed – a game that hinged on a botched snap sailing through the hands of Browns punter Corey Bojorquez.
uncertain
that → call → Bojorquez
That wayward punt turned into a game-winning touchdown for Jets RB Braelon Allen.
asserted
punt → turn → Allen
This loss, dropping Cleveland to 3-2 on the year, felt like a necessary corrective to the hyperbole and early extension talks around Watson’s early successes.
asserted
loss → drop → successes
American sports fans love a comeback story, but this one is mired in issues that are far more important than football.
asserted
that → love → football
It certainly makes everyone’s life easier when he plays like this.
asserted
he → make → this
You could make a strong case for Drake Maye, whose 374 yards and four touchdowns gave the Patriots a resounding win over the Raiders.
uncertain
yards → make → Raiders
But I’m not going to do that, because we ride for placekickers when I’m around.
asserted
I → go → placekickers
In a bleak, dystopian ending that felt more like the final five minutes of Digger than a football game, the Eagles went up 17-16 with a mere eight seconds left in the contest.
asserted
Eagles → feel → contest
Philadelphia Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni, misplacing his copy of Football for Dummies, decided to have his kicker boot the ball in play rather than ice it with a touchback.
asserted
kicker → misplace → touchback
A 53-yard return by Ameer Abdullah perfectly set up a gargantuan field goal to win the game for the Jags.
asserted
return → set → Jags
“I didn’t make the right decision, and I lost us that game, and that’s what I said to our guys,” Sirianni told the media after Christmas came early in London for Jacksonville.
asserted
Christmas → make → Jacksonville
Now, a 57-yard field goal with nearly no time left on the clock isn’t exactly a gimmie.
asserted
goal → leave → clock
One could maybe forgive Sirianni for thinking the chances of a field goal from distance to steal the game was unlikely.
uncertain
chances → forgive → game
Except, the Jaguars’ placekicker is Cam Little – the man who holds the record for the longest made field goal in NFL history.
asserted
who → hold → history
A record he set almost a full year ago.
asserted
he → set → ?
The Eagles gave Little a dagger.
asserted
Eagles → give → dagger
He should be commended for knowing how to use it.
asserted
He → commend → it
Video of the week
The Texans won their first game of the year, demolishing an equally troubled, still-winless Titans team 26-3.
asserted
Texans → win → team
CJ Stroud dropped 261 yards, a passing touchdown, and a running touchdown on Tennessee, cementing a bounce-back moment that has the NFL buzzing about just how much money he’ll command on the free-agent market.
asserted
he → drop → market
More importantly, today’s result is coupled with news of Houston getting Stroud reinforcements.
asserted
Houston → couple → reinforcements
WR Marvin Harrison is on the way to the Texans from the Cardinals and Houston coach DeMeco Ryans was more than happy to officially drop the bomb in a brief post-game presser:
asserted
Ryans → drop → presser
Before their drubbing by the Patriots, the Raiders had scored at least 26 points in all four of their games this season.
asserted
Raiders → score → games
Here, they didn’t score a touchdown until the fourth quarter, managing 17 meager points on the road at Gillette Stadium.
asserted
they → score → Stadium
…and 24 more, not listed.
The Aporia
