I still remember the exact street I was walking down in Elwood, Victoria, when I took a deep breath and tapped Ali’s* number, preparing to make the call I’d been dreading.
asserted
I → remember → call
I was due to meet her for dinner and drinks that evening – only this time, I wouldn’t be splitting a bottle of chardonnay.
asserted
I → meet → chardonnay
Though further along the quest for a baby than me, together we’d lamented our empty wombs over wines and beach walks.
asserted
we → lament → wines
She’d seen me sob after a miscarriage and swing between plans to invest in IVF and book flights to India, to seek a different kind of fulfilment, if kids weren’t on my bingo card.
asserted
kids → see → card
While many of my friends had fallen pregnant easily, having friends whose path to parenthood had been rocky was perversely reassuring.
asserted
path → fall → parenthood
They understood what it meant to freak out if a work trip fell during ovulation, and why you didn’t drink in the week before your period in case you were pregnant, then drank too much when your period came to try to numb the disappointment.
asserted
period → understand → disappointment
I wanted to give Ali a heads-up before dinner so she could cradle her emotions in private because, as anyone who’s experienced fertility challenges will tell you, pregnancy announcements can be hard.
uncertain
announcements → want → you
Whether it’s a relative using a family dinner to announce their baby news or an acquaintance posting tiny Converse sneakers and an ultrasound pic on their socials, you can be genuinely happy for them while equally sad for yourself.
asserted
you → ’ → yourself
And if you’re feeling emotional, those emotions are better processed behind closed doors.
asserted
emotions → feel → doors
Fertility counsellor Suzanne Hurley describes infertility as “one of the most challenging human experiences” because sufferers are grieving the loss of something that has not happened.
asserted
that → describe → something
Worse, not everyone’s loved ones can offer the support they need.
asserted
they → love → support
“A good friend is someone who can tolerate [their friend’s] pain,” says Hurley.
asserted
Hurley → tolerate → pain
“But many people can’t, and often it’s not even conscious.
asserted
it → ’ → ?
They just don’t have the capacity, either because they’ve never had adversity in their lives or because they’ve always been told they can get whatever they want.
asserted
they → have → whatever
It’s impossible for friendships not to be impacted by fertility.
asserted
friendships → ’ → fertility
Anna*, a writer who did six rounds of IVF
Anna*, a 42-year-old writer who did six rounds of IVF over five years, said some friends handled her struggles with grace and empathy, while others couldn’t read the room.
asserted
others → do → room
“I had friends who sent me a picture of an ultrasound and I was like, ‘Guys, grow a brain!’
asserted
I → have → brain
When you go through IVF, you have constant scans of your empty uterus and developing eggs and of no baby, so
asserted
you → go → baby
when you see someone’s ultrasound of their baby, it’s so triggering.
asserted
it → see → baby
“Another friend who knew we were going through IVF signed us up to a baby-sharing website; we were emailed a photo of their baby every single day.
asserted
we → know → baby
It’s impossible for friendships not to be impacted by fertility.”
asserted
friendships → ’ → fertility
Anna didn’t know anyone else experiencing infertility, and told very few people to save having to hear inane platitudes.
asserted
Anna → know → platitudes
“One of my closest friends would repeat, ‘You’ve got to stay positive.
asserted
You → repeat → friends
It’s going to work!’
asserted
It → go → ?
Eventually, I said to her, ‘You don’t know that.
asserted
You → say → that
The doctors we’re paying all this money can’t guarantee that.’
asserted
we → pay → that
“She said, ‘You’re right.
asserted
You → say → ?
I’m sorry.
asserted
I → ’m → ?
I just don’t know what else to say.’
asserted
I → know → what
She didn’t get offended; she just listened.
asserted
she → offend → ?
It was really validating to have someone sit in the shit with me.”
asserted
someone → have → me
Yaelle Ohana found that her most supportive community during three years of trying to get pregnant was on the internet.
asserted
community → find → internet
“Most of my friends have older kids, and I felt like they didn’t understand me and couldn’t support me,” she recalls.
asserted
she → have → me
“I worried that I wouldn’t get to be a mum and I genuinely thought, ‘What am I here for?
asserted
I → worry → What
Now 48, she started an Instagram account about her IVF experience in 2021 and soon connected with Lucy Kokkotas, now 37, who lived in a nearby suburb and quickly became a lifeline.
asserted
who → start → suburb
“We would be messaging each other and sending voice notes all night,” Ohana says.
asserted
Ohana → message → notes
“We were 11 years apart in age, but she understood me because she was in the same boat.”
asserted
she → understand → boat
It worked both ways, with Kokkotas remembering Ohana as one of the few people she could be completely honest with.
uncertain
she → work → people
“I didn’t tell any of my friends about doing IVF – I was so bitter and angry and felt such hopelessness,” she says.
asserted
she → tell → hopelessness
“I cried when friends told me they were pregnant and that made me feel like such a bad person, but I could tell Yaelle about that.”
uncertain
I → cry → that
…and 32 more, not listed.
The Aporia
