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Banished to the back corner of the debating chamber in May’s Holyrood elections, the Scottish Tories have been searching for an issue to get themselves front and centre again.
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themselves → publish → issue
Earlier this week, the First Minister kindly obliged by turning up in Cardiff for a press conference and a spot of subversion.
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Minister → oblige → subversion
John Swinney openly plotted the dismantling of the United Kingdom with the leaders of Irish Nationalism and some bloke who claimed to run Wales.
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who → plot → Wales
At last, Russell Findlay had his issue: Swinn Fein.
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Findlay → have → issue
He was in high dudgeon at First Minister’s Questions, noting that ‘John Swinney’s new friends in Sinn Fein have never denounced IRA terrorism’, and reminded the SNP leader that the Shinners had justified the slaughter of countless people, including Scottish soldiers.
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Shinners → note → soldiers
The very fact he was prepared to sit down with Sinn Fein at all proves Mr Swinney is captive to his impatient and implacable rank and file.
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Swinney → sit → rank
You might say he is a political prisoner.
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he → say → ?
Swinney was taken to task about his relationship with Sinn Fein
The Tory leader’s voice rasped with disgust as he recalled Mr Swinney’s reply when asked in May about co-operation with Sinn Fein and the controversy it would stir: ‘I really do think people have got to move on.
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people → take → Fein
Do we suppose Mr Swinney will be telling people in Gaza to do the same any time soon?
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Swinney → suppose → same
The Nationalist hyena house was screeching and rattling the bars.
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house → screech → bars
Why, Mr Findlay asked, should the people of Ulster move on from the Troubles when he can’t move on from a sodding independence referendum.
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he → ask → referendum
Mr Swinney snapped that he had ‘always expressed my sympathy to the victims of terrorism’ and, what’s more, he had ‘also accepted, in good grace, the outcome of the referendum’.
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he → snap → referendum
The Tories and Reform cracked up at that one.
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Tories → crack → one
The man has never accepted anything in good grace in his puff.
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man → accept → puff
If you gave him the winning lottery numbers in advance, he’d complain about the cost of a ticket.
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he → give → ticket
He assured Mr Findlay that, ‘People in this country would be surprised if I did not stick to the principled reason why I entered politics’.
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I → assure → politics
People in this country would be surprised if Mr Swinney could locate a principle with a GPS and ground-penetrating radar.
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Swinney → locate → GPS
All the while, the din was building, as was the irritation on the Presiding Officer’s puss.
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irritation → build → puss
Unrepentant racket- merchant, Mr Kerr – Stephen (Tory), not Thomas (Reform) – was hooting and yelling and making a nuisance of himself.
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merchant → hoot → himself
His boss was still up on his pins, giving Mr Swinney what for: ‘Why is his constitutional obsession more important than fixing Scotland’s broken public services?’
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obsession → give → services
This is where the Tories lose me, all this get-on-with-the-day-job stuff.
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Tories → lose → job
The SNP exists for one reason and one reason alone: to smash up the United Kingdom and turn Scotland into Brigadoon.
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SNP → exist → Brigadoon
Admittedly, in recent years, that vision has evolved slightly.
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vision → evolve → years
Now they want Brigadoon to fly the Pride Progress flag and run an economy on windmills and the industrial theories of East Germany circa 1972.
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Brigadoon → want → 1972
Russell Findley riled John Swinney at FMQs
This is them getting on with the day job, and it appeals to enough voters to have kept them in power for 19 years.
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it → rile → years
At some point, and two decades should have been plenty long enough, the Tories and Labour will have to reckon with the fact that this devolution experiment has handed one government after another power without responsibility.
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experiment → have → responsibility
The SNP won’t be the last mob to take advantage of that.
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SNP → take → that
Mr Findlay landed a fair few blows but Mr Swinney swung back by taunting him about a supposedly imminent merger, what he branded a ‘marriage of convenience over there between the Conservative Party and Reform’.
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he → land → Party
At which point, the Scottish Tory leader rammed his fingers down his throat as though about to vomit.
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leader → ram → throat
I believe the Earl of Liverpool made a similar philosophical point during a debate on the Corn Laws.
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Earl → believe → Laws
By now Stephen Kerr was hollering at Mr Swinney: ‘Answer the question! Answer the question!’
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Kerr → holler → question
The Presiding Officer had a word.
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Officer → have → word
Mr Kerr doesn’t need a word, he needs a sedative.
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he → need → sedative
The Aporia
