Strapped to a hospital bed, with various tubes protruding from your body?
asserted
tubes → strap → body
Maybe you’re on a treadmill or visiting an elder care facility?
asserted
you → ’re → facility
If you said yes to any of these questions, you might be watching cable news while reading this column.
uncertain
you → say → column
Or maybe you’re one of the hundreds of people currently watching Donald Trump’s answer to cable news, Trump TV – a YouTube streaming channel that airs nothing but White House-sanctioned content 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
asserted
that → ’re → content
I know Jacob Soboroff is hard to look away from, but at least finish this.
asserted
Soboroff → know → this
I don’t typically watch cable news. Or broadcast news.
asserted
I → watch → news
I feel like the best way to consume vital information is through the glorious written word, full of context and detail, rather than various “experts” yelling at each other about which one is the harbinger of the antichrist.
asserted
one → feel → antichrist
Instead, I can yell all I want at a newspaper or an internet article and no one can tell me not to.
asserted
one → yell → me
Trump TV is kind of like cable news, if it served absolutely no purpose and had even fewer human beings watching.
asserted
beings → serve → purpose
I gave myself the challenge of watching this neverending digital pathway to hell for one single hour, hoping I could capture whatever joy is being derived from this American horror story.
uncertain
joy → give → story
When I first logged onto the stream, I was “treated” to a 11 March 2016 speech Donald Trump gave in Hebron, Kentucky – which Trump on more than one occasion pronounced “Keentucky”, presumably to mimic local speech patterns.
asserted
Trump → log → patterns
I came in right smack-dab in the middle of the remarks, which very clearly were not prepared.
asserted
which → come → remarks
As someone hyper-allergic to cable news, I don’t often witness the president’s speeches in full.
asserted
I → witness → speeches
I immediately felt as though I were succumbing to a form of intense psychosis, where reality had begun to melt before my eyes, like an ice cream cone that’s sat out in the sun too long.
asserted
that → feel → sun
Trump was describing the stairs at the event, stairs he had to walk up and down.
asserted
he → describe → event
Stairs that he traversed despite his own natural sense of self-preservation.
asserted
he → traverse → preservation
“I might slip, it’s soaking wet,” he said of the stairs.
uncertain
he → slip → stairs
“They’re steel stairs.
asserted
They → ’re → ?
I immediately begin to imagine him counting the stairs.
asserted
him → begin → stairs
From there, he played his greatest hits and mocked Joe Biden for falling down.
asserted
he → play → Biden
But the big swerve was a backhanded compliment to Barack Obama for not falling down.
asserted
swerve → fall → Obama
“The only thing is how he bobbed down.
asserted
he → bob → ?
He bobbed.
asserted
He → bob → ?
I couldn’t believe that he made it without a major, noticeable fall.”
asserted
he → believe → fall
The shock on his face that a healthy adult man would not trip on his descent from an airplane certainly made me wonder.
asserted
me → trip → airplane
You can tell this man has thought a lot about the best ways to not fall down stairs.
asserted
man → tell → stairs
Eventually, Dr Oz showed up, and I needed to mute my computer.
asserted
I → show → computer
My Uber Eats order had just arrived, and I didn’t want my neighbors getting the wrong idea when I opened the front door.
asserted
I → arrive → door
We got a brief respite from Trump up next, with a re-airing of Melania’s ad … excuse me, speech about how great artificial intelligence is, from 16 January.
asserted
intelligence → get → January
“The most powerful skill is knowing what to ask,” she declares.
asserted
she → know → what
I realized the thing I should be asking right then was: “Why am I watching this?”
asserted
I → realize → this
I hung in a little longer for one more event: the National Prayer Breakfast from 6 February.
asserted
I → hang → February
Paula White-Cain, senior adviser to the White House Faith Office, opened the proceedings by saying: “No president in modern history or perhaps all of history has done more to elevate and protect religious liberty” than Donald Trump has.
asserted
Trump → open → liberty
Except maybe George Washington, who presided over the ratification of the first amendment to the US constitution.
asserted
who → preside → constitution
The first amendment enshrined freedom of religion into the country’s laws.
asserted
amendment → enshrine → laws
You know, the press Donald Trump kicked out of the White House.
asserted
Trump → know → House
Trump TV seems like the next escalation of the president’s obsession with and animosity toward cable news.
asserted
TV → seem → news
I remain flabbergasted that someone could care about anything on television that much.
uncertain
someone → remain → television
At last census count, 342 million people live in the United States.
asserted
people → live → States
Of that population, between 2 and 3 million watch cable news in a given day.
asserted
2 → watch → day
…and 34 more, not listed.
The Aporia
