- Published
Spoiler warning: This article reveals details from the second episode of The Celebrity Traitors, series two.
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article → publish → Traitors
A comedian, a journalist, an actor and a TV presenter walk into a church.
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comedian → walk → church
But sadly, the punchline for one of them was becoming the first victim of this year's Celebrity Traitors.
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punchline → become → Traitors
As Friday's episode got under way, a delicious new twist saw traitors Richard E Grant and Maya Jama invite James Acaster to join them in the turret, and simultaneously murder a fellow player.
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Grant → get → player
Unfortunately, it fell to Amol Rajan to become the Paloma Faith of this series - being taken away in a coffin in episode two before even having the chance to take part in a banishment.
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it → fall → banishment
"It's gutting to be the first out," Rajan said afterwards, noting that perhaps it was because he had been "a bit bullish with Richard" earlier in the day.
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he → say → day
"But you know what, games are games, and just as there are winners, so there have to be losers."
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games → know → what
The next morning, presenter Claudia Winkleman confirmed the University Challenge host's murder to the other players, joking: "That's what I call a starter for 10."
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I → confirm → 10
Acaster, meanwhile, reflected: "I'm gutted to not be a faithful anymore, I don't like lying.
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I → reflect → ?
But if I don't join them, they'll kill me."
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they → join → me
You can't fault his logic.
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You → fault → logic
The decision meant that Grant, an Oscar-nominated actor with a Razzie-worthy traitor strategy, did at least manage to commit one successful murder despite his shambolic first day.
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Grant → mean → day
The 69-year-old spent much of Friday's episode trying to repair the damage from his earlier exchange in the bar, where he blurted out that he was a traitor to Joe Lycett, Rob Beckett and several others.
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he → spend → Lycett
Obviously a man who made such an excellent Spice Girls manager in the 1997 masterpiece Spice World: The Movie is hard for anyone to picture as a traitor, so many other players assumed Grant was attempting some elaborate double bluff.
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Grant → make → bluff
"I am quite shocked at my ability to just lie to everyone," the Love Island host said in the castle's diary room.
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host → shock → room
As the players gathered for breakfast, other theories began to surface.
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theories → gather → breakfast
Mathematician Hannah Fry said she had spotted Leigh-Anne Pinnock putting on make-up late in the evening, perhaps heading to the turret.
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Pinnock → say → turret
"I think it's James," declared Jerry Hall, suddenly giving viewers hope that the new cast will be better traitor hunters than last year's.
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cast → think → year
Until she clarified that she was talking about James Blunt, not Acaster.
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she → clarify → Blunt
As the players prepared to head out for the mission, conversations turned to far more important matters.
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conversations → prepare → matters
"Do you have more teeth than a normal person?" Grant asked Rob Beckett.
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Beckett → have → person
The players made their way to the mission, which had the usual slightly convoluted rules that took Winkleman quite a while to explain.
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that → make → while
In a nutshell, the celebrities were to be buried alive in pairs, with only one duo left above ground.
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celebrities → bury → ground
Ross Kemp was pre-selected by the traitors to be protected from burial along with his grave partner Romesh Ranganathan, who did a delightful dance when he found out he wouldn't be going underground.
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he → pre → dance
Kemp and Ranganathan then had the opportunity to dig up some gold graves which would add to the prize pot, or alternatively dig up and free their fellow players.
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which → have → players
They opted for the latter, with some of the other players struggling, external to get the soil off their faces.
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some → opt → faces
In the end, all the celebrities were released, with the exception of Fry and Hall.
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celebrities → release → Fry
The pair were freed early after Hall shouted "Haggis!" – effectively a Scottish version of "I'm a celebrity get me out of here!" - because she was visibly uncomfortable being buried alive.
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she → free → me
It might have led to an early release, but it ultimately guaranteed that either she or Fry will be murdered next, unless the traitors recruit again.
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traitors → lead → release
"Just you and me up for murder," Fry told her afterwards.
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Fry → tell → her
"You'd better not be a traitor or I'm really screwed!"
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I → screw → ?
In a flashback shown to viewers, Acaster explained the decision to protect Kemp from burial, telling his fellow traitors: "I think if we give it to Ross, he'll overthink it, and behave in a way that would draw suspicion."
Very clever. "You're a wonderful traitor," observed Grant.
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Grant → show → suspicion
"I have a slight pinprick of advantage," he told himself in the castle's diary room.
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he → have → room
"Nobody would possibly believe that anybody would be so stupid as to come forward and say 'I am a traitor'.
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I → believe → ?
I'm hoping that I do get away with it."
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I → hop → it
His fellow traitors clearly wanted to be supportive, but things were getting dicey.
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things → want → ?
Acaster described him as a "loose cannon", while Jama said: "I want to save him, even though he's dug himself the biggest hole imaginable."
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he → describe → hole
Back in the castle, Ranganathan pointed out: "If somebody else had behaved like Richard, we wouldn't even be having a debate about this, you would just go 'you've got to vote for him'."
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you → point → him
But others had a slightly different take.
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others → have → take
"Richard feels a little too easy," reflected actress Myha'la, "and then anybody pushing him feels suspicious to me."
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anybody → feel → me
…and 16 more, not listed.
The Aporia
