It’s October and the jacaranda trees in my street are in bud.
asserted
trees → ’ → bud
This can only mean one thing – it’s 12 years since my firstborn child did her final school exams – and I temporarily lost my mind.
asserted
I → mean → mind
My daughter was studious and ambitious and wanted to do well.
asserted
daughter → want → ?
But somewhere along the way, she became anxious, which made me anxious, causing me to behave like an idiot, making everything much worse.
asserted
everything → become → idiot
This story has a happy ending, and contains one life-changing event, but if your child is doing the HSC, the VCE or the IB this year, please consider this as a tale of what not to do.
asserted
child → have → what
In those days, I was suffering under the delusion that this result mattered – that a random figure was somehow important.
asserted
figure → suffer → delusion
Now I can see that assigning an arbitrary figure to a teenager – they of the unformed frontal lobe – based on a series of three-hour exams on topics they will probably never look at again, is often meaningless.
asserted
they → see → topics
For someone who will have at least three or four careers in different sectors over the course of a lifetime, being defined by one number seems insane.
asserted
defined → have → number
And anyone who even thinks about their score and tells people about it – I’m looking at you, Senator Dave Sharma – clearly needs to get a life.
asserted
I → think → life
But I didn’t know that back in 2014.
asserted
I → know → 2014
Every time my daughter looked stressed, I snapped to attention and added another service provider.
asserted
I → look → provider
By mid-year, we had a chiropractor (sore back), a psychologist (did I mention anxiety?) and an English tutor (her best subject, therefore unnecessary).
asserted
I → have → anxiety
I cut down on my work to “help out” (ha!) and spent my days making “nourishing” meals which no-one had asked for or even wanted.
asserted
one → cut → which
I drank a lot and ground my teeth like a meth addict.
asserted
I → drink → addict
Even the cat, normally indifferent to any form of human suffering, looked stressed.
asserted
cat → look → suffering
Then one day, a friend told me about this woman in Macquarie St.
asserted
friend → tell → woman
She’s a hypnotherapist, she told me, who is really good with anxiety.
asserted
who → ’ → anxiety
I took the number and looked at it.
asserted
I → take → it
Could I let a hypnotherapist rummage around inside the head of my poor anxious child (currently gnawing on her cuticles)?
uncertain
hypnotherapist → let → cuticles
What could possibly go wrong?
uncertain
What → go → ?
Finally, I rang and made an appointment, not for my daughter but for myself.
asserted
I → ring → myself
Before I let this woman loose inside the psyche of my daughter, I thought I’d go and test her services on my own broken brain.
asserted
I → let → brain
After paying a deposit, I went to an office and rang the bell.
asserted
I → pay → bell
Disappointingly, the person who answered wasn’t wearing a black shawl or holding a ticking watch in front of my face.
asserted
who → answer → face
In fact, she looked just like a regular person, with the concerned manner of a member of the caring professions.
asserted
she → look → professions
When I told her I was a guinea pig for her services in advance of my child, I saw the words “Munchausen’s by proxy” cross her face, but she didn’t say it.
asserted
she → tell → it
What did I need to work on, she asked – did I need to give up smoking?
asserted
I → need → smoking
I didn’t smoke.
asserted
I → smoke → ?
Did I want to stop drinking – was she f---ing joking?
asserted
she → want → ?
Those glasses of ladypetrol (rosé) every night were the only thing keeping this car on the road.
asserted
glasses → keep → road
Finally, in the manner of a cask-a-day boozer at an AA meeting, I confessed my greatest sin; I was a chocoholic.
asserted
I → confess → sin
You know those people in Sunday Life’s Day on a Plate series who say they sometimes eat two squares of dark chocolate at 9pm?
asserted
they → know → 9
Like a true addict, I ate everything – Cadbury Dairy Milk, Flakes, year-old Easter eggs from the floor of the car – even white chocolate, which is actually disgusting.
asserted
which → eat → car
When it came to the brown drug, I was undiscriminating.
asserted
it → come → drug
Basically, I was a walking advertisement for pre-diabetes.
asserted
I → walk → diabetes
She looked pleased – finally, something to work with!
asserted
She → look → ?
We had three sessions, but I can’t describe what happened.
asserted
what → have → sessions
My only memory is that this very kind lady dimmed the lights, sat me in a comfortable chair, told me to close my eyes and talked to me in a soothing tone.
asserted
lady → dim → tone
I was so tired that I can only assume I simply fell asleep, clenching my back molars.
asserted
I → assume → molars
Afterwards, she emailed me some materials to read which would reinforce the “work we’d done together”.
asserted
we → email → work
…and 14 more, not listed.
The Aporia
